OK, so my pity party for one about not finding a job and not feeling accomplished and feeling sorry for myself that I have to deal with Ed all at the same time, is now officially over.
It happened, it lasted and now it’s over.
And today, I didn’t even have the time to focus on my joblessness, because I was busy fighting with Ed.
I don’t even know why, but Ed was just so loud and alive today-with every single thing I ate and every single thing I thought about eating.
I had got the families I tutor all some holiday gift baskets for Christmas, and when I was at the house of one of the kids, her nanny had put out the chocolates and cheeses and snacks that I brought them for us to eat during our session.
I was just watching a Dr.Oz episode yesterday (I am not his biggest fan, but I watched it anyway) where some fitness expert said that when you really want to eat something that isn’t good for you, you should count to 50.
If once you count to 50, you still want it, then it’s a little more justifiable to have it.
Well, imagine Ed’s happiness when he saw that on the show.
Not only do we criticize ourselves for eating things are he doesn’t approve of, but now we actually take the time to count to 50 before doing so.
So, I am not happy to say I tried it, but I was in such a bad place with Ed in my ear that I really was trying everything I could to not give in and eat all that deliciousness in front of me, so I tried to count to 50.
Honestly, by the time I got to 15, I think I wanted all of that stuff more than I did before I started the whole counting process in the first place.
And then I realized, what am I doing? First off, the little girl I was with was talking to me and I blocked her out because of my ridiculous count to 15, and then I realized this is all Ed dominating me.
So, I had what I wanted.
It wasn’t overload, it wasn’t a binge; it was just what I wanted and craved and it pissed Ed off-alot.
He is still mad at me right now.
But really, what am I going to do?
At first, I was really thinking about how unfair it is that I have to deal with my dear Ed while others during the holidays can just enjoy these holiday sweets without thinking twice.
But again, it’s like throwing myself a pity party.
No more of that. It’s even annoying me at this point.
So, I ate it. And just like my bad day yesterday, it happened and now it passed.
And regardless of what Ed might want me to believe, the world didn’t end because of it and I am not a valueless person because of it.
Actually, I think the little girl loved me more because of it–I got to enjoy those sweets with her.
We all are fighting, searching for validation and dealing with our own form of “Ed,” whatever it may be.
And now that I am done feeling sorry for myself, I can start to find ways to love myself again–ways that Ed doesn’t control, ways that a job doesn’t control, and ways that numbers, weight and counting to 50 don’t control.
Goodbye to my pity party.
Goodbye to counting to 50 before eating what I want.
And hello life.