Today is one of my cousin’s Bat Mitzvah, which is a big celebration with a big party.
A big fancy celebration of course means a nice fancy dress to celebrate in.
For me, this meant potential Ed destruction.
Which dress do I feel good in? Which ones still fit me? How do I know which one to try on without getting sucked into Ed chaos?
In the past, when I’ve been faced with situations like these, I’ve been known to try on every single outfit in my closet; old clothes and new clothes. It never ended up with me feeling good about myself or my new healthy body.
But these are the habits and behaviors that Ed instilled in me for so many years; they were the rules that he told me I had abide by.
If you’re going to a nice party, and you need a nice dress, of course you should try on the tightest smallest dressed you own and see how they fit you. If they fit good, you get a pat on the back, if they don’t, you know your not up to Ed’s standards (This is what Ed would say).
I had the choice today if I wanted to continue in my old Ed habits or if I wanted to try to break them.
Before I tell you how I broke those habits, let me say that while through my writing, this victory may look like it was an easy one, but it was extremely difficult.
Making the choices I did today took immense inner strength, dedication and courage to stand up to Ed.
So, what did I do?
I took out the dress that I knew I would not feel good about myself in out of my closet yesterday and gave it to my sister. She didn’t even have to ask why I was giving it to her, she already knew.
But I told her if she wanted she could consider it hers because I am never taking it back.
Then I took out the last dress that I remember wearing that I felt good about myself in and put it out to hang on my door.
That’s it. My decision was made yesterday.
That was the dress and that’s what I’m wearing.
I told myself yesterday that there will be no trying on anything else.
I am writing this post 10 minutes before I need to get ready on purpose; so I am left with no time to try on any new outfits in case Ed starts to creep in.
Today took strength.
Giving my sister my old dress took strength.
Putting on this dress right now when I’m not in the greatest place with my body and still going to the Bat Mitzvah and putting a smile on my face because I know tonight is not about me, takes strength.
I think more than anything, that is what I am priding myself on today.
I don’t like my body right now, I don’t like the way I look in any dress right now, and I don’t particularly love the fact that I can’t wear the dress Ed once thought I looked so skinny in because it no longer fits the same.
But regardless of all those things,I am able to put them aside and step into the shoes of Shira the recovery warrior, she is kind of like my alter ego.
Shira the warrior doesn’t let those things ruin her cousin’s Bat Mitzvah and she doesn’t let those negative thoughts swallow up her personality.
Shira the recovery warrior is present,and she’s strong and she’s ready for tonight.
We already have gone ahead and named my eating disorder with his own name, so why not run with the concept of taping into my alter ego?
If it works, I say I like it. And so far, it’s working.
Hello to my strong and ass kicking alter ego and hello life.