So I am no longer the top senior reporter for my university newspaper now that I am graduating, and it’s something that is a hard pill for me to swallow.
Many times, I used my front page cover stories to define me, to justify me, and to credit me with being a good person .
Instead of my scale, I looked to other external accomplishments to tell me if I was “good” or “bad.” Not having that anymore is going to be a challenge and it’s going to force me to look even more inward at accepting who I really am; not me as the writer, not me as the recovery warrior and not me as a college graduate; but just me as a whole.
So now not having a job on top of no longer having my senior reporter status is not helping me feel any more valuable of a person.
I never thought not having a job could even mean anything to me; it has nothing to do with my weight so how could I even care? But in recovery, I do care.
I sat here ten minutes ago and added up all my calories from today over and over and am really feeling horrible about myself for how much I have been eating lately and how I look lately.
And by now, I know the answer to why I am doing this.
I am in the unknown again. The unknown of not having a job and not knowing what is going to happen with my life, so instead of sitting with those feelings, I let Ed show me what I indeed and most definitely do know.
I do know how to count calories and I do know how to be hard on myself. It could be very easy for me to resort back to restricting right now and back to Ed, it would be almost like second nature.
But what good would that do for me? It would bring me solace and comfort for a moment, and then it would make me feel trapped in a whole other unknown world; the world of Ed-the world of where you never know how far you can fall until you’re already there.
There are no more cover stories, there is currently no job, and there is no more sick skinny body that Ed created for me to find validation through.
E, we have some major soul searching to do, and I am ready.