Day 321: Just Because

Hello everyone,

I did a whole bunch of things today that pissed Ed off, and I honestly had no valid reason to do so.

I didn’t restrict yesterday to think that I was allowed to eat like this today; I actually ate a steakhouse yesterday.

I didn’t workout today to make myself think I deserve to eat what I want today.

I really didn’t have some Ed approved reason to eat these things, but I did, just because.

I ate breakfast with my brothers and shared cookies and watched a movie in bed with them this morning, just because.

I ate m&m’s in the middle of the day, just because.

I ate dinner before I was even hungry because I just wanted food, just because.

I ate the most delicious chocolate truffle, just because.

Wow, I even ate some marshmallows with ice cream (weird combination, I know), just because.

A year ago I would have looked at this list and thought I binged. But I look at it now, and every single one of those food decisions, healthy or not healthy, was totally mindful and thought out.

So nope, I didn’t workout today and no, I didn’t restrict yesterday.

And I actually even know I won’t be able to workout tomorrow and also will be going out to dinner tomorrow too.

It still doesn’t change the fact that I totally and mindfully enjoyed my sweet tooth today, just because.

Do we all always need a reason or justification to enjoy things or do things in life?

In the world of a perfectionist (my old world) or in the world of an eating disorder (again, my old world that was intertwined with the perfectionist in me) you did.

You ALWAYS needed a reason to do anything.

You needed a justification to eat; to go out with friends; or to even smile. Usually those justifications were centered around a certain weight that day, or a size, or calorie intake.

If you ate X amount of calories or weighed X number, it could give you a valid excuse to possibly enjoy yourself for a moment or two.

In the recovery, learning how to accept myself world, you don’t need a reason to enjoy yourself.

In this world, just because is a good enough reason.

To all of us who are giving ourselves permission today to eat, live and be who we want to be, just because, I say, hello life.

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