Let’s just call today the day of the sweets, because that’s pretty much what it was.
I was sitting here not too long ago listening to Ed tell me how horrible of a day today has been becuase of it, and it was hard not to listen to him.
He knows how to mesh his voice with mine so well, almost to the point that I can’t tell them apart.
But honestly, after I added up all those calories from today and almost had an anxiety attack over it, I realized that I was letting him win.
Really and truly, is it really that bad that I had m&m’s today?
Is it really that bad that I need to have something sweet after every meal?
Is it really that bad that I had a few bites of ice cream today, and also some chocolate…ok and maybe also some little cookies?
Well, actually, yeah. I guess it does look bad; really bad,at least in Ed’s world. In Ed’s world, eating what I ate today is the same as me laying down on the floor and wearing a sign around my neck that says “Kick me I have no self discipline.”
That’s what he has me thinking I am looking like right now.
I won’t sit here and write that I am happy about all the sweets I ate today because I am not. Partially because they were a bunch of little bites here and there, and that is really eating disordered like behavior. Ed takes bites; he doesn’t eat.
Recovery tastes, eats and enjoys.
I am also not happy because, well, for the obvious reason: sweets=calories. Ed hates calories.
But on the other hand, aren’t there worse things in life that I could have done today or yesterday than eat sweets?
While Ed is busy making me feel like I should be wearing that sign around my neck for not eating the healthiest of foods today, I’ve been exhausted.
I don’t even have the energy to deal with him. Part of the reason I even ate these sweets was to help me stay awake.
I fell asleep twice before being able to wake up and write this post.
These are the kinds of days where I am envious of people who are able to eat the m&m’s, or the few bites of ice cream or the cookie after lunch and think nothing of it.
They just go on with their day. How peaceful and calm that must be.
I’ve experienced that kind of peacefulness too, it just seems far away right now.
For the moment, I am not feeling the greatest. Even though I know Ed is wrong, I still feel like I am kind of wearing that invisible sign around my neck right now.
So maybe I’m a little left behind in Ed’s world right now, but the part of me that still has my foot in recovery is able to slightly reality clearly.
Reality check: there are worse things in life than eating sweets for a day; or two days, or all week.
And with that, as uncomfortable as I feel right now, I move on with today.
Bad days don’t last forever.