Day 314: I Came Home To Recovery

Hi guys,

In Vegas last night, I heard a song that made me think of my ex-boyfriend, and since that moment last night, I was thinking about my last trip to Vegas, which was a year ago, and it was with him.

I had just started treatment, and while I didn’t give up my scale yet, I was really motivated to succeed in recovery.

At that time, our relationship was falling apart, and I thought a getaway to Vegas would somehow be our answer. At that time, I still didn’t realize how being in that relationship was part of the reason I was in a relationship with Ed.

Anyway, how ironic is it that the same hotel that I took myself shopping at yesterday is the same hotel that my ex-boyfriend and I sat about a year ago at a bar, where I found the courage to explain to him who Ed was. For sure, I thought he would think I was insane, naming my eating disorder and treating it like a person.

But he didn’t think I was insane.

We actually ended up sitting at that bar and cheering to the death of Ed.

I remember not wanting to leave Vegas that weekend because there wasn’t a scale in my room that weekend; I didn’t have the option to weigh myself even if I wanted to. I even ate two bites of pizza. WhileI was still trapped, I also partially experienced a moment or two of freedom and I wasn’t ready to come back to my world of imprisonment with Ed at home.

I’m not sure what it was about yesterday, wether it was the fact that I was thinking about the last time I was there, and how I was cheering to the death of Ed with a person who is no longer in my life (for the better, but still not an easy thing to realize), or if it was the fact that last time I was there I didn’t want to leave because I was so happy to be in a place that was free of my scale, and now I am so far from there

Or if it’s the fact that I was thinking about what my part was in the reason my ex-boyfriend and I are no longer together, and how much of a part did Ed play in that? Was I really more devoted to Ed than I was to love? Or were they both just that toxic that in order to get healthy, it meant leaving them both?

But whatever it was, I sat up late last night with my sister and just cried. Part of me was sad about letting go of that part of my past, and part of me was just in shock about all the changes that have happened since then, in a beautiful positive way, but I guess I was so filled with emotion over it, tears are what came to me.

Since then, almost a year ago now, not only have I let that relationship with my ex-boyfriend and Ed go, but I no longer am cheering to the death of Ed.

I have learned through my recovery, while I don’t want to admit it all the time, Ed is not going anywhere. He’s a part of me. My recovery is learning how to rise above him, to become stronger than him,and to quiet him out–but to say he will forever die is not realistic, nor is it really my goal.

How can something die that has played a big part of in who I am?

And the last thing that has changed since last year, and the most beautiful thing that has changed, is that I was no longer afraid to leave Vegas today like I was a year ago.

I wasn’t scared to leave a world in Vegas where I once felt so free without a scale, because I was happy to come home to the new world I’ve created for myself here–recovery.

I am not coming home to a scale this time.

I am not coming home to a house where I am living with someone who is not healthy for me, or with someone who I felt I had to go on vacation with to try to repair our wounds.

I am coming home to a world where there is not a number waiting to define me; a world where while the man I once cheered to the death of Ed is no longer here, in his place, Shira is here.

Shira-strong, confidant, and healthy.

My new world and my old world could not have lived together in harmony.

Vegas was more than just a time for me to spend time with my family and not pay too much attention to Ed- it was a time for me to realize where I was a year ago and where I am now.

That place I was a year ago looms heavy in my heart and while I can still feel every emotion I had-I even remember what that pizza tasted like, I remember how sore I was after, and I remember the number I weighed when I got home–I also remember how desperate I was to hold onto this fake world in Las Vegas where I could pretend I was happy with my unhealthy relationships ,both with Ed and my ex-boyfriend.

But this year in Vegas, I didn’t need to pretend I was happy because I actually was happy, even without my ex-boyfriend and Ed by my side.

Did you hear that Ed? I was happy without you.

Recovery is not fake.

Everything I’ve worked for is real and present.

And it’s beautiful to me that I came home today not being scared to leave Vegas because I didn’t want to face life with Ed here.

I came home to recovery.

Hello Life.

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5 thoughts on “Day 314: I Came Home To Recovery

  1. This was beautiful. I’m really going to miss reading your daily blog posts. hope you have a fantastic day. xx

    • Thank you so much !!! I will miss it too. I hope you had an easy and calm Monday ❤ And thank you for your comment, I saw it right in the morning and it put such a smile on my face as I started my day =_

  2. Hi sweety 🙂 I’m not here to tell you: look, if I made it you can make it too. But maybe, if you read the whole thing and you can take away something from it. ♥
    I’m not perfect…
    You want to know the truth about me? You want to know my past?
    Here it comes…
    I have turners syndrome, a chromosome mutation which among many things causes infertility.
    So I cannot have a child on my own… also I’m short. I was bullied because of turner syndrome already in kinder garden.
    I’ve also suffered from anorexia, bulimia and binge eating plus social anxiety, because of low low self esteem. Because of these disorders I’ve pushed away many people, whom of course I wanted in my life!
    I’ve undergone surgery to remove a breast tumor, the scariest experience of my life!
    I’ve NEVER had a real friend whom I could meet on my free time and just hang out with, because me and my family have constantly moved from one place to another.
    Me and my family have been through some VERY HARD times, in every way you could possibly imagine… we’re NOT perfect.
    Let just say my 20 years of life have given me much experience…
    Because of this, I’ve never felt worthy of being loved and therefore I’ve been unable to love others. I have HATED myself and felt like “giving up”, if you know what I mean…
    So I’m NOT perfect, I still struggle! But I can tell you I’ve found something; forgive me; someone, that has NEVER failed to help me get by.
    God. HOLD ON! HOLD ON! Don’t quit reading just yet, just read one more line:
    Think about it. Let just suppose for a second that God actually exists, and that as the Bible says he came to this earth as a HUMAN to DIE for YOU. Yeah… The ALLMIGHTY LORD of the universe LOVES – Y.O.U!!! – SO MUCH THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TO THIS EARTH AS A HUMAN TO DIE, SO THAT EVERY!!!!ONE THAT BELIVES IN HIM MAY NOT PERISH! BUT HAVE ETEEEEEEEEEEERNAL LIIIIIIFEEE! John 3:16.
    But maybe you don’t even want eternal life.. I mean, life is just so full of problems you know…
    Hey, this is NOT eternal life. It is NOT this kind of life the Bible is talking about when it mentions eternal life. ETEEERNAL life, is a WONDERFUL HAPPY LIFE WITHOUT ANY TRIBULATION!! IT IS A PROBLEM FREE LIFE!
    The reason why this world is so lost, is because it is filled with sin. One of the angels in heaven disobeyed God, rebelled against Him and proclaimed war against God. IT IS NOT GOD’S FAULT!
    GOD IS A LOVING GOD. Why don’t you give Him just one shoot… Just one shoot. The Bible says God has already endured your pains, your problems, your trials. Isaiah 53:4. He died… for YOU. That’s how much He LOVES y.o.u. He HAS ALREADY WON for YOU! John 16:33 : “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” All YOU have to do is say one word… : Yes.
    Yeah, it is that simple  Just say yes to his offer of a renewal, a GOOD life. It’s not ALWAYS going to be a walk on roses, but I PROMISE YOU it IS worth it  I’ve found joy. God has given me His joy, peace, calm, faith, EVERYTHING I need. 
    One last thing. I love you.
    That is why I’m telling you all of this.
    I’m hoping that you will experience a fulfilling LIFE, LIFE ABOUNDANTLY, a life even better than mine 🙂
    There is always hope! 🙂 In God.
    God bless you lovely ♥

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