In Vegas last night, I heard a song that made me think of my ex-boyfriend, and since that moment last night, I was thinking about my last trip to Vegas, which was a year ago, and it was with him.
I had just started treatment, and while I didn’t give up my scale yet, I was really motivated to succeed in recovery.
At that time, our relationship was falling apart, and I thought a getaway to Vegas would somehow be our answer. At that time, I still didn’t realize how being in that relationship was part of the reason I was in a relationship with Ed.
Anyway, how ironic is it that the same hotel that I took myself shopping at yesterday is the same hotel that my ex-boyfriend and I sat about a year ago at a bar, where I found the courage to explain to him who Ed was. For sure, I thought he would think I was insane, naming my eating disorder and treating it like a person.
But he didn’t think I was insane.
We actually ended up sitting at that bar and cheering to the death of Ed.
I remember not wanting to leave Vegas that weekend because there wasn’t a scale in my room that weekend; I didn’t have the option to weigh myself even if I wanted to. I even ate two bites of pizza. WhileI was still trapped, I also partially experienced a moment or two of freedom and I wasn’t ready to come back to my world of imprisonment with Ed at home.
I’m not sure what it was about yesterday, wether it was the fact that I was thinking about the last time I was there, and how I was cheering to the death of Ed with a person who is no longer in my life (for the better, but still not an easy thing to realize), or if it was the fact that last time I was there I didn’t want to leave because I was so happy to be in a place that was free of my scale, and now I am so far from there
Or if it’s the fact that I was thinking about what my part was in the reason my ex-boyfriend and I are no longer together, and how much of a part did Ed play in that? Was I really more devoted to Ed than I was to love? Or were they both just that toxic that in order to get healthy, it meant leaving them both?
But whatever it was, I sat up late last night with my sister and just cried. Part of me was sad about letting go of that part of my past, and part of me was just in shock about all the changes that have happened since then, in a beautiful positive way, but I guess I was so filled with emotion over it, tears are what came to me.
Since then, almost a year ago now, not only have I let that relationship with my ex-boyfriend and Ed go, but I no longer am cheering to the death of Ed.
I have learned through my recovery, while I don’t want to admit it all the time, Ed is not going anywhere. He’s a part of me. My recovery is learning how to rise above him, to become stronger than him,and to quiet him out–but to say he will forever die is not realistic, nor is it really my goal.
How can something die that has played a big part of in who I am?
And the last thing that has changed since last year, and the most beautiful thing that has changed, is that I was no longer afraid to leave Vegas today like I was a year ago.
I wasn’t scared to leave a world in Vegas where I once felt so free without a scale, because I was happy to come home to the new world I’ve created for myself here–recovery.
I am not coming home to a scale this time.
I am not coming home to a house where I am living with someone who is not healthy for me, or with someone who I felt I had to go on vacation with to try to repair our wounds.
I am coming home to a world where there is not a number waiting to define me; a world where while the man I once cheered to the death of Ed is no longer here, in his place, Shira is here.
Shira-strong, confidant, and healthy.
My new world and my old world could not have lived together in harmony.
Vegas was more than just a time for me to spend time with my family and not pay too much attention to Ed- it was a time for me to realize where I was a year ago and where I am now.
That place I was a year ago looms heavy in my heart and while I can still feel every emotion I had-I even remember what that pizza tasted like, I remember how sore I was after, and I remember the number I weighed when I got home–I also remember how desperate I was to hold onto this fake world in Las Vegas where I could pretend I was happy with my unhealthy relationships ,both with Ed and my ex-boyfriend.
But this year in Vegas, I didn’t need to pretend I was happy because I actually was happy, even without my ex-boyfriend and Ed by my side.
Did you hear that Ed? I was happy without you.
Recovery is not fake.
Everything I’ve worked for is real and present.
And it’s beautiful to me that I came home today not being scared to leave Vegas because I didn’t want to face life with Ed here.
I came home to recovery.