I had another story run on the front page of my university newspaper today.
I didn’t workout because I needed a break.
I had one of the top officials at school approach me and want to do an interview with me for a story.
I found out I got an A on that presentation in one of my classes that I did last week that was 50 percent of my grade.
The beautiful woman who I documented her oral history on video was actually proud of the work I did.
And yet, for whatever reason, none of it was enough for me.
I found myself sitting here in bed right before I started writing this post, adding up the calories I ate today in my phone.
Like, really? Really? I had all these great accomplishments today, and that’s what I am sitting here doing? Adding up calories?
Why can’t I sit here and brag about all those little victories that I made happen for myself today? I did try and put my cover story on my Facebook page, but that didn’t help.
All because I ate today, none of my accomplishments seem to matter.
And I didn’t even eat “bad,” I ate totally on my meal plan-maybe some extra sweets but nothing that should logically make me feel guilty. It is days and moments like these where I need to stand back, close my eyes and give myself a reality check.
And if I can’t see the reality check, that’s fine, but at least I need to try.
Reality check: All my accomplishments today had nothing to do with Ed.
And actually, maybe that’s why Ed was so loud today, because he sees me succeeding in my life without him and he’s trying to hold onto me.
I honestly don’t want to be held by him anymore. Let me go, Ed. Some days you are nicer, some days you hold on tight, like today.
To sit here and not let myself feel proud of my accomplishments because of calories, pains my soul. I don’t deserve that, and I know it.
What I know and what I feel are two different things right now, but thats ok. Like I always say, feelings come and go, but facts stay.
Maybe none of the things I did today feel like enough, but maybe tomorrow they will. Maybe this post will reach someone who is going through the same thing today,and maybe knowing that will be enough.
Maybe just realizing that I’m not in the happiest mood, and that it’s ok, and that it will pass is enough.
Maybe enough isn’t about amounting to anything or achieving some kind of accomplishments, maybe enough can start with just being honest with myself.
If I’m honest with Ed, well, there’s no honesty with Ed–if I let Ed pull me in to his lies, then my honesty with myself is gone and that’s not an option.
So here’s my honest moment with myself and I: we didn’t have the greatest day with how we feel about ourselves today, but we’re ok.
I got through the day being honest with myself instead of honest with Ed, I ate on the meal plan, and I am still able to see that tomorrow is a new day.
I mean, sometimes making it through the day is enough in itself right?
Whatever enough means, I would like to think I am it today.