Quick update: The two pages I was talking about yesterday have now been added.
I’m very excited to say that I’ve added a page that has the poll about what to do with my scale after we reach the one year mark.
So the voting will be open until January 21, literally until the moment I write the last post, so please share your opinions with me as I am really looking forward to seeing what the end result will be.
If you all remember, I wrote a post last Thursday about how I went to a job interview where they grilled me pretty bad.
Let me just start by saying that even though I didn’t want this job because it was on Saturday and Sunday from 3-12 at night, I still had high hopes for it.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I found out today that I didn’t get it. Actually, maybe you can’t imagine it, considering I just said I didn’t even want it. Because truthfully, I didn’t even understand myself why I was sad that I didn’t get it.
I mean…I told everyone who knows me I didn’t want it, so why was I sad to not get it?
While I am happy to report I didn’t spend two whole days crying over this rejection like I did over NBC, I still cried a little.
I don’t know why. but lately I am like a little ball of emotions. But I guess that’s better than being numb and only seeing, tasting and breathing Ed–a world where emotions don’t even exist.
So anyway, as I was kind of pathetically crying in my car, I realized I was not crying over this job.
I was crying for two reasons: number one, because this leaves me back in the unknown, and number two, because I felt rejected.
Wether you have an eating disorder or not, being in a transitional phase in life where nothing is for sure known is very scary. Me struggling with Ed only makes it that much harder because I have to fight to not use him as my coping mechanism for those fears.
For me, the worst part is being rejected.
I am starting to feel like those liters of cats you see in boxes on the sidewalk who just want someone to pick them up but instead people just keep walking by. What if no job wants me? On top of not having Ed, now I have to think that I might not have a job.
And OK, I am being a little dramatic with my cat metaphor, but what can I say, it’s how I feel at the moment.
With NBC, we were all able to sit here and say “stupid NBC, you’re better than them, Shira.” We had tons of comments and e-mails saying that, and I really loved it because it made me feel much better.
But can we really say this employer was dumb too? Is it them or is it me?
While I was driving and slightly still crying, I was able to have this epiphany that even if I was a size 000000 today and even if I weighed my lowest weight yet, I still wouldn’t have gotten those jobs.
I realized that Ed cannot fix everything–actually, he can’t fix anything. All he can do is be a temporary mask for me to wear while I blind myself from life.
Well, I didn’t turn to Ed today and therefore, I am not blinded.
I can very clearly see that I am about to embark on a whole new journey of it’s own, far past just recovery.
It’s transitioning into a new part of my life: graduating college and starting my career-and doing it without Ed.
It’s a lot to take on.
I can also clearly see that this will not be my first job rejection, and that I might just have to be OK with being a little wrapped up ball of emotions for now.
If I cry, I guess I’ll cry.
I am entering the unknown, yet again, and this time, without Ed by my side.
I’m entitled to some tears, to some fears and to some anxiety, right?
Ed doesn’t let anyone feel entitled to any kinds of feelings; he only lets you feel undeserving.
But I’m deserving of all of those emotions, and I am also deserving of giving myself a little bit of compassion.
Today was only my second rejection.
Yes, it sucks. Two rejections in a row suck.
And yeah, maybe I cried over it.
But hey, I am only human, right?
Despite what our Ed’s all tell us, does anyone really expect us to land the first job, or the second, or maybe even the tenth job?
It’s just like recovery…does anyone really expect us to do it perfect the whole time? Although we might want to, I think we quickly learn that it’s impossible to do that.
Ed doesn’t believe in human error, because how could he? He’s lives and breaths perfection.
I don’t live like that anymore. It’s a hard pattern of thinking to break free of, but I am on my way.
On to the next job interview. On with life.