So I was sitting at dinner tonight with my grandma and my sister totally over thinking about what to order and how to work it off tomorrow at the gym, bla bla bla, all those Ed related thoughts, and then out of no where, I saw the older man at the table next to us stand up violently and pick up his table where his wife was sitting at the other end. (I mean, I am assuming it’s his wife).
“I wish I could beat the living hell out of you right now,” he told her. And then he picked the table up once more and walked out of the restaurant for a cigarette.
All the sudden, the major problems that I thought I had two minutes before about what food I was about to eat, weren’t so major anymore.
They were gone. They were nothing.
I looked at my sister and my grandma and we sat there in silence.
We were all equally disturbed. I didn’t even know how I would eat when our food came because I had literally lost my appetite watching that.
I wanted to go and steal that woman from her table and have her sit with us and come stay with us.
Both she and the man were in their late 60’s, and to think that she possibly has endurued this kind of treatment for so long eats away at the deepest part of me.
She just sat at that table and waited for him to come back; so trapped and so stuck.
When her husband came back and they acted like nothing happened, I tried to ignore it.
But now that I write this, I can’t ignore the parallel that was being presented to me at that moment.
I had just witnessed someone being a prisoner in their own life to someone treating them so inhumanely, and there I was, sitting at a dinner table with my family ordering food I never would have ordered 8 months ago, living in the act of freedom that recovery has slowly brought me.
So that leaves me with two things are on my mind right now:
1. Stupid, stupid, stupid Ed.
I am angry at him for letting me think that his issues, such as what I ate today or what I look like, are what matter in life, when the woman across from me at at a restuarnt is being told by the man she is with that he wishes he could beat her up.
2. I am sad for this woman.
She very obviously isn’t getting a new life. This is her life.
And me, I am on my way to creating a new life for myself.
I get to continue on my journey to self acceptance and true happiness and she gets to live the rest of her life like that? Why?
Why is it that some of us get the blessing of fighting for a better life for ourselves and some of us don’t?
If my biggest issue is dealing with how will I get over all the unsafe foods I ate today, than honestly, I am grateful. Because these are issues that I am dealing with so I can win back my freedom; something that woman will probably never get to do.
I don’t even know the right way to end this post with “hello life” when the life I am thinking about right now is that woman’s life and how sad for her I am.
Ed…truly, you may burn me with your taunting words about what I eat, but you will never make me your prisoner me again. You will never own me again.
And guess what Ed? At least for today, I have realized that you’re a small tiny problem compared to the things I saw at this dinner, and for that realization, I am grateful.
And this is not to minimize any of the heartache or pain that Ed causes for me or anyone else, but it helped put things in perspective for the moment.
Hello to putting things in perspective, hello to continuing to fight for a life of freedom, and hello life.