Have you ever internalized something so deep within yourself that it has made its way into your subconscious and has not only taunted you during the day, but has followed you in your dreams as you sleep?
Because that is what happened to me last night.
I had a dream about my body hurting and aching from the food I ate last night and I dreamt that I woke up in pain.
To no surprise, when I woke up this morning feeling totally unrested and worn out, I felt exactly how I felt in my dream; sore and in pain and mentally exhausted from having to deal with the lies that Ed feeds me every time my body hurts from somewhat overeating.
Sometimes this physical pain doesn’t bother me, but today it really does.
It’s one thing for Ed to whisper things to me about food or about what I am eating or doing to my body during the day, but to have dreams about it is truly a battle where I have no armor to defend myself.
Every time I try to think positive today, I move my body one inch and I am reminded of the physical pain that I am still dealing with during recovery.
It’s the pain that my body has to go through to heal itself from the torment that Ed put it through.
It’s the pain that he tries to use against me week after week. It’s the pain he tries to use as a strategic tool to get me to restrict, which doesn’t work, but nonetheless, it’s still something I need to fight.
Today is just not my day.
I don’t feel good about the way I look. I don’t feel good about eating, which has made it an extremely mentally hard task to do today. And I don’t feel good about the homework I still have left to do even though I’ve spent 6 hours working already.
I know that everyone has bad days–eating disorder or no eating disorder, people have bad days. I know that a bad day doesn’t have to mean a bad night, or even a bad week.
I know all of that.
But for this one exact moment as I write this post, I don’t have it within me to say the right words of inspiration or encouragement today.
Truly, all I can do is sit here and write to you all my honest feelings.
My feelings are that today really sucks.
But on the other hand, yesterday was a good day (prior to coming home and dreaming about my body soreness) and the day before yesterday was overall a good day because I cut myself some slack.
So in the bigger picture, a 2:1 ratio of good to bad days is actually that that bad.
It doesn’t make today any easier, but it gives me hope that tomorrow my ratio will work in my favor and it will be a good day again.
Of course, there is nothing guaranteeing that. But the odds are in my favor.