Day 282: Excuse Me Ed…But I Have Something To Say

Hi everyone,

As you all know, the past few days have been extremely chaotic, hectic and stressful for me, which really tested my recovery for all that it’s worth.

When I used to be stressed out, pre-recovery, I would turn to Ed for support and guidance anytime I felt anxious.

“If I have to be stressed out about life, then the last thing I need to do is stress about gaining weight, so I won’t eat and it will be one less stressor for me,” is what I used to think.

Well, recovery is not like that and that mindset is no longer an option.

To say that I have not listened to Ed at all while being stressed these couple of days would be a lie, because I have listened to him.

Usually, I am more open and flexible with myself in terms of letting myself eat what I crave or what  I feel like, even if it’s an extra chocolate here or extra frozen yogurt there.

But these past few days, I have stuck exactly, and I mean exactly to the meal plan. Nothing less, but definitely nothing more.

Even though I was eating what I needed to, it still kind of felt like restricting because I wanted foods that Ed wouldn’t let me have, and I listened to him because I didn’t have the energy to fight him at the time.

But today, I told myself that I had to put my armor on and become a fighter. If I couldn’t fight Ed as being Shira right now, then I will fight him with a coat of armor pretending to be some kind of warrior.

And oh, did we fight…all day long.

Finally, at 5:30 p.m. I had a break from class and I really wanted a some m&m’s. I wanted them, Ed didn’t of course.

At first, I sat there in the classroom and told myself I won’t get up to go get the, because it was too far of a walk to go buy them.

Um…it’s a 3 minute walk at most, and I know that. And I had a 15 minute break, so time wasn’t an issue.

In that moment,  I had enough.

I want some m&m’s and Ed is not letting me?

Excuse me Ed, but I have something to say.

“I am getting my m&m’s.!”

And I did get them.

I didn’t eat all of them; not even half of them.

OK, so I actually only ate 5 of them.

But the point is, I got them. It was symbolic of me gaining my power back from Ed.

And to set Ed straight, I got what I wanted for dinner, not what he wanted-and I ate it in bed with him while watching one of my favorite TV shows. It was the best 30 minutes that I’ve had all week.

Ed was there for all of it.

He was there when I threw away the rest of the m&m’s, yes, that is true . But he was also there to witness me buy them in the first place, and that’s a victory in itself.

A small victory, but nonetheless, a victory.

Having him watch me actually enjoy my dinner tonight (and finish it) is a victory.

Sometimes, it’s the small victories in recovery or even in life, that deserve some recognition to remind ourselves how far we’ve come.

Hello life. 

 

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8 thoughts on “Day 282: Excuse Me Ed…But I Have Something To Say

  1. What a great idea and perfect time of year to throw on a costume to help take actions you wouldn’t normally. It’s like the fake it til you make it rule… Just get it done best way you can til it feels comfortable for you in your own skin. And a warrior is great fun! xo

  2. Once again, thank you Shira for a powerful, honest and very strong blog post. You may feel that the victories that you write about are small, but those victories are magnified many times over by your sharing of them and your clear and straightforward writing style! You are inspirational!

    • Bill,

      Thank you so much! Your support over these past few days has been absolutely incredible and it reminds me of the many great souls left in this world who just want to support and help one another; thank you for being one of them!

  3. I am so thankful to have been connected with your blog. No matter how small and insignificant buying those m&m’s seemed, it was a colossal step towards leaving Ed. He is one abusive relationship and I am so happy to know that you continuously make the choice to leave him behind. I have been struggling to remember that I have to chose recovery every day. But, since I started reading your blog, you remind me that recovery is a choice and I have to be strong enough to make it. You truly have inspired me. I hope to live a year without my scale soon. This is the most poetic, beautiful thing I have heard in my recovery. Thank you for your words and for sharing your story so ED soldiers like myself can hold on to hope. Ed doesn’t stand a chance against you.

    • I am left speechless because I am so touched and inspired and I can’t find the right words to say. I felt the exact same way the other day as I was reading through your blog! Especially with that Starbucks post, it really made me appreciate the small things, like a lattee with a loved one. While recovery is a choice that we choose, it doesn’t make it any easier, so the fact that soldiers like yourself and like me, choose to fight such a hard battle makes it even more commendable. I feel like this blog has lead me to so many other fighters like ourselves, and together and while supporting each other, I believe we have the power to win all of our battles against our ED’s. You made my entire day with this comment, thank you so much for sharing. And looking forward to reading your blog =)

  4. Thank you for sharing this story. I feel like I can directly relate to these mini-struggles with ED during stressful times. There is something so satisfying about being able to win these tiny victories over ED. My father always tells me “win the small battles, you’ll win the war”.

    Once again, thanks for the inspiration  🙂

    • Hi Melissa! Thank you for your comment! I love that line you said your father told you, “win the small battles, you’ll win the war.” It cannot be true and more fitting for those in recovery. Thank you for your support and for sharing that quote with me. We all deserve kudos for winning every small victory, in the end that’s what leads us to the big win! Well, your quote said it better lol =)

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