As you all know, the past few days have been extremely chaotic, hectic and stressful for me, which really tested my recovery for all that it’s worth.
When I used to be stressed out, pre-recovery, I would turn to Ed for support and guidance anytime I felt anxious.
“If I have to be stressed out about life, then the last thing I need to do is stress about gaining weight, so I won’t eat and it will be one less stressor for me,” is what I used to think.
Well, recovery is not like that and that mindset is no longer an option.
To say that I have not listened to Ed at all while being stressed these couple of days would be a lie, because I have listened to him.
Usually, I am more open and flexible with myself in terms of letting myself eat what I crave or what I feel like, even if it’s an extra chocolate here or extra frozen yogurt there.
But these past few days, I have stuck exactly, and I mean exactly to the meal plan. Nothing less, but definitely nothing more.
Even though I was eating what I needed to, it still kind of felt like restricting because I wanted foods that Ed wouldn’t let me have, and I listened to him because I didn’t have the energy to fight him at the time.
But today, I told myself that I had to put my armor on and become a fighter. If I couldn’t fight Ed as being Shira right now, then I will fight him with a coat of armor pretending to be some kind of warrior.
And oh, did we fight…all day long.
Finally, at 5:30 p.m. I had a break from class and I really wanted a some m&m’s. I wanted them, Ed didn’t of course.
At first, I sat there in the classroom and told myself I won’t get up to go get the, because it was too far of a walk to go buy them.
Um…it’s a 3 minute walk at most, and I know that. And I had a 15 minute break, so time wasn’t an issue.
In that moment, I had enough.
I want some m&m’s and Ed is not letting me?
Excuse me Ed, but I have something to say.
“I am getting my m&m’s.!”
And I did get them.
I didn’t eat all of them; not even half of them.
OK, so I actually only ate 5 of them.
But the point is, I got them. It was symbolic of me gaining my power back from Ed.
And to set Ed straight, I got what I wanted for dinner, not what he wanted-and I ate it in bed with him while watching one of my favorite TV shows. It was the best 30 minutes that I’ve had all week.
Ed was there for all of it.
He was there when I threw away the rest of the m&m’s, yes, that is true . But he was also there to witness me buy them in the first place, and that’s a victory in itself.
A small victory, but nonetheless, a victory.
Having him watch me actually enjoy my dinner tonight (and finish it) is a victory.
Sometimes, it’s the small victories in recovery or even in life, that deserve some recognition to remind ourselves how far we’ve come.