Happy Sunday everyone,
Every year for my birthday, my aunt takes my sister and I out to brunch, just the three of us.
Every year we go to the same place. This place is very well known for their pancakes.
Every year for the past three years that we’ve gone there, Ed came with me.
I remember going last year and wanting to order these chocolate chip pancakes, but there was just no way Ed would approve of that, so I got egg whites.
The year before I ordered the same egg whites, but my sister got the chocolate chip pancakes, and I remember the one bite I let myself have of it. I think I went home and binged that day,because I thought that even one bite was too much, so I punished myself for it by bingeing.
Needless to say, that restaurant was always Ed’s restaurant, not mine. Until today.
I knew that we would be going there for brunch today, and I even talked to E (my therapist) about it on Friday.
“I really want to go and take this brunch back from Ed and make it my own again. I just don’t think I can get the pancakes, not yet,” I told her.
But when I walked into that restaurant today, I was determined. I was doing it. I was going to take back my birthday brunch with my aunt from Ed.
He had it all to himself for three years now, and now it was my turn to take it back. I mean, after all, it’s my birthday brunch, not his.
So I was starring at the menu, still kind of nervous and still thinking how I would actually get the words “I want the chocolate chip pancakes,” out of my mouth to the waitress, so I decided to tell my aunt and my sister about what I was going through.
My sister, knowing what an incredibly hard thing this was for me, helped me conquer Ed, and she helped me take back this brunch.
Together, she and I not only ordered and shared the chocolate chip pancakes, but eggs and bacon too.
We divided everything equally and we each had our own plate to ourselves. I made sure we did this, so I could feel mindful of what I was doing. Eating off plates with other people is often times really eating disordered behavior, and it’s become important to me to have my own plate at meals.
I remember spreading the chocolate chips around on the pancakes before I took the first bite and I was just thinking to myself, “Oh yes. I did it. I ordered the chocolate chip pancakes.”
I felt like a mini hero in that moment.
This was the first time that I have had my own plate of chocolate chip pancakes in many years. And wow, did I miss them. I don’t think I can go years again without them again.
Ed lost today–majorly lost. And I on the other hand, took back my birthday brunch with my aunt and my sister and I took back this restaurant from Ed too.
Hello to eating chocolate chip pancakes, hello to being my own mini hero today, and hello life.