OK, so I honestly suffered from road rage today.
A drive that would normally take me only 20 minutes took me almost an hour and a half, meaning that I would be done tutoring the kid I was driving to an hour and a half later than planned.
As I was stuck in my car, I had to pee and I was really hungry. And I don’t even know why, because I ate all my meals and snacks today, but for some reason, I just was.
So there I am sitting in my car getting so frustrated with both of these uncomfortable situations (having to pee and being hungry, such a bad combination) on top of the fact that I am running late to work (my perfectionist self does not approve), and I couldn’t help but realize that two hours before that I was upset at the way my arm looked in the mirror, and now I am upset that I am hungry and can’t eat for another two hours.
I mean…talk about recovery’s ups and downs…it never ceases to shock me at how quickly my perspective on myself and on food can change so quickly.
And just like that, the way my arm looked in the mirror this morning didn’t really matter as much. And yes, it was just one arm.
I don’t know why, I only looked at my left arm today. But, being that it is one less arm to criticize than normal , I am going take that as a good thing and be appreciative of it.
I’ve learned that being appreciative of even the smallest or weirdest things, like the fact that I only looked at one arm in the mirror today , instead of both, or instead of my whole body, can go a long way, so for today, I am going to go with that.
The arm didn’t matter, the fact I had to pee didn’t matter, and even the fact I was late didn’t matter, what really mattered to me was that I could feel myself getting in a bad mood because of hunger.
Does this ever happen to anyone else?
When I was really locked in my eating disorder, I was disconnected from my hunger cues so I didn’t even feel those hunger pangs as much. And when I did, I tried to numb myself with the scale or with other Ed thoughts to distract me. I didn’t ever get upset at it, I was just numb.
Sometimes I even liked feeling hungry.
But now that I can feel my hunger, I have to say, I don’t like it.
It’s really not a good feeling, and in this case, it put me in a bad mood .
Anyway, I finally got to the house of the kid I was supposed to tutor, apologizing and feeling really sorry, and the first thing this 7 year old boy said to me was, “I was so happy you were late, I got to play football when you were driving.”
Yes, all of that frustration, annoyance and road rage was all for nothing.
Actually, it wasn’t for nothing.
It was all working in the favor of giving a little boy extra time to play football.
I was so worried that I wouldn’t eat on time and that he would be upset I was late, and the entire time, everything was already taken care of.
I ended up finding an extra granola bar in my purse (true indicator of someone in recovery, right?) and our lesson went really well.
And now, I sit here and write to you with my chocolate banana tea latte in bed, already have forgotten about the road rage, and already forgotten about my left arm and already forgotten about my hunger putting me in a bad mood.
All I know is that everything worked out today, and that maybe having a little bit more faith in days like today wouldn’t be such a bad thing.