Today was not an easy day in recovery for me.
It was one of those days where you wake up and you don’t know how you are going to make it to the next hour, so you just go minute by minute.
Between waking up bloated from all the food this weekend, my body feeling sore from all of it, and the mental distraction of replaying what I ate over and over as I kept looking back at the pictures that were taken of me on Saturday night from my birthday and hating on each one, today kind of started out belonging to Ed.
And then as I was walking into the gym, the scale there literally haunted me the entire time.
It was exactly this time last year after my birthday that I decided to start weighing myself everyday again, and it’s when my eating disorder took a turn for it’s all time low. I never turned back after that. I couldn’t stop–(until I got into treatment).
I knew that if I stood on that scale today, Ed would literally become who I was again, and there would be nothing anyone could do to pull me away from him.
And as much as I would like to say that I didn’t step on it because I love my recovery so much, I wasn’t in that space today.
Today recovery was hard and it was hard to remember even the incredible things I wrote about it a few short hours ago last night on this blog.
The honest reason why I didn’t step on that scale today is solely because of this blog and the commitment I made to be scale-free for a year. That and only that. And you know, maybe that isn’t so bad? Maybe that is OK for today, and maybe it is OK because it was enough to keep me from stepping on that life sucking machine?
All day I kept looking at the pictures that were posted of me from the weekend, thinking about how I can change my body in all different kinds of ways.
I don’t know why, but sitting there and almost fantasizing about the many ways that Ed could come in and save me from recovery was almost something that I was locked in a daze by; I could not get out of for a little while.
But after I looked at those pictures so many times over and over, I realized that my answer to becoming happier with the way I look in them does not come from change and it does not come from Ed.
My answer does not lie in stepping on another scale.
My answer is acceptance.
A big part of recovery is learning to flow with changes and learning to embrace change, but what happens once those changes have set in?
Then, change is no longer the answer.
The answer then moves into acceptance.
The question is how to get to that acceptance?
And I don’t have an answer for that right now, other than what I know from these 9 months of recovery so far and that is if I set some kind of special goal about how and when I want to fully accept myself, I will epically fail.
The only thing I can do is give myself time and go with the flow of this process called recovery.
I need time to accept the changes, time to accept that I will never be who I once was, both physically or emotionally, and time to accept that it is OK to give myself time–I don’t need to be the hero right now.
On that note, at the same time that I am embracing this opportunity to give myself time to master acceptance, I am also going to accept that today wasn’t easy, and that is OK.
Not everyday needs to be a great day.
All everyday needs to be is one worth fighting for.
And considering the fact that everyday leads me one step closer to freedom from this eating disorder, today was definitely worth the fight.
Hello to knowing our lives are worth the fight, and hello life.