Day 266: All Of The Sudden, My Calories Became My Judge

Hi everybody,

Earlier today, I got one of the biggest compliments that I think I have ever gotten.

The publisher of our university newspaper that I write for, who  is also my professor, and also someone who I really look up to, told me that I was talented.

Not only did she say that I was talented, she said that I was smart, and that I am a great reporter.

I was sitting in her office looking at her thinking, does she know who she’s talking to? Does she really mean these things about me? And I saw it in her face, that she was sincere.

At that moment, the pants that I was wearing that felt so tight this morning no longer mattered; the fact that I skipped the gym today didn’t matter; the only thing that mattered was that I was talented.

I left her office feeling like I was walking in another universe where I was almost invincible to anyone, including Ed.

Hearing someone I admire tell me that I am talented gave me a satisfaction that no number on a scale could ever have given me.

And now, fast forward to about 30 minutes ago when I was eating dinner, and for some reason, the human calculator inside of me decided to calculate all of my calories that I ate today.

Why did my brain do that? I honestly can’t tell you.

I didn’t want to. Yet somehow, there I was, doing it, eating my food, and counting calories inside my head both at the same time-the count going up as the bites increased.

And by the time I was done calculating, I discovered that the count was far higher than I expected it or wanted it to be and all of the sudden, the fact that I was talented no longer existed.

Everything I had felt earlier today when I got that compliment vanished, and now, the only thing left to define my day was this calorie count.

Yet again, another day in my life being represented by a number.

How did that switch happen so quickly?

One minute I was feeling like this untouchable talented young woman, and the next, I am nothing more than X amount of calories, and not even a good X amount at  that.

This is the part of recovery that I hate to talk about because it’s so unbelievably draining, disheartening and discouraging, and I apologize to anyone who it could possibly trigger-but to avoid writing about it would be avoiding my truth, and that is something I refuse to do in recovery.

I would rather sit here and admit to everyone on this blog that I let this calorie count label me today, instead of sit here and write a dishonest post about how great I am still feeling that my role model called me talented today, because I am not feeling like that anymore.

However, I do have to acknowledge the fact that being aware that this calorie count is defining me today, and being aware that it’s something I am not OK with, speaks volumes to me.

At one point not too long ago, I would have actually thought that it was totally justified to judge myself on how many calories I ate that day, and I would have thought it was acceptable.

Today, although it is still happening, I am not OK with it, and it is not acceptable to me .

I accept that I feel lessened as a person because of it, but I know that feelings are not facts.

Feelings are feelings-they just come and go like the tide in the ocean.

Feeling judged by this calorie count today is a feeling;  and it’s a bad, worthless feeling that I hope will trickle away soon.

But, no matter how worthless I might feel right now, there is one fact that remains clear:

My professor did indeed call me talented today. It was not a fantasy, it was not a dream, and it’s not a feeling. That actually happened.

Feelings can be misleading, but facts don’t lie.

I am talented, and that fact has the ability to preserve itself and stand strong even against the loudest, harshest and meanest Ed remarks ever, and it will be what I hold onto tonight until I feel strong again.

With hope that tomorrow will end in a better light, hello life.

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2 thoughts on “Day 266: All Of The Sudden, My Calories Became My Judge

  1. This post is so repeatable. Whenever someone compliments me my brain automatically says that they are lying and that I truly am the size of a whale. It is something I need to work on.

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