Today’s post is the typical “my jeans were too tight on me today” story.
I know it’s nothing new and it’s a topic I’ve written about many many days before, but this blog is my daily journey to recovery, so today, was another day of the tight jeans.
The question that I sit here and ask myself, isn’t why are the jeans too tight, or why are they tighter than they used to be, because that is part of my recovery and I am open to that idea.
The question that I ask myself right now , is why did I continue to wear those too tight, uncomfortable jeans, once I tried them on and saw that I didn’t feel good in them?
I mean seriously, what was the point of that?
I walked around all afternoon and evening, and even ate dinner, in a pair of jeans that made me feel terrible about my body and therefore, myself.
There is no logical reason why I made the choice to wear them.
Honestly, I was secretly hoping that deep down, they would stretch out and maybe they were only tight from being in the dryer since I wore them only a month ago and they fit perfectly fine then.
But it’s been about 8 hours now and they still fit exactly the same, so I am going to take it that they are staying this way, which means only one thing: get rid of the jeans.
How many pair of jeans will I need to get rid of in recovery?
When I started recovery last December, it was winter season, so all my jeans that used to fit me then, no longer really fit now.
It wasn’t as much as issue over summer because I wore dresses and sweat shorts that didn’t really correlate to a size. But now that the colder weather is coming and it’s jean season, I think I need to start buying some new ones.
Every time I try on an old pair of jeans, I hope they will fit the same.
Um…I try to myself, that they are not going to fit the same, hence 8 months in recovery of no longer starving my body will cause that, and rightfully and deep down, happily so. But that still doesn’t make this any easier.
So, I guess my point is, that today, I add another pair of pants to bring to E tomorrow to add to my donation bag of sick clothes that I am donating.
If this continues…which it will because I will not keep these sick clothes around, I honestly need a new wardrobe…and I guess maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
It won’t be easy to do, but I would rather donate my sick clothes and buy myself a new healthy wardrobe instead.
I am not sure when that will happen, but as my clothes collection is slowly dwindling every time I find a pair of sick pants to donate, it kind of has to happen sometime soon.
Anyway, so yes, I wore the too tight jeans today and I felt bad in them.
But I went out in the world and lived my life anyway.
I still saw my best friend, I still studied for my upcoming test, and I even had dinner with my aunt and cousin, all while wearing the too tight jeans.
But where the story of the too tight jeans used to end in me crying and tearing myself apart alone in my room for hours, tonight, it ends with me carrying on with my life anyway.