Day 258: The Story Of The Too Tight Jeans

Hello everyone,

Today’s post is the typical “my jeans were too tight on me today” story.

I know it’s nothing new and it’s a topic I’ve written about many many days before, but this blog is my daily journey to recovery, so today, was another day of the tight jeans.

The question that I sit here and ask myself, isn’t why are the jeans too tight, or why are they tighter than they used to be, because that is part of my recovery and I am open to that idea.

The question that I ask myself right now , is why did I continue to wear those too tight, uncomfortable jeans, once I tried them on and saw that I didn’t feel good in them?

I mean seriously, what was the point of that?

I walked around all afternoon and evening, and even ate dinner, in a pair of jeans that made me feel terrible about my body and therefore, myself.

There is no logical reason why I made the choice to wear them.

Honestly, I was secretly hoping that deep down, they would stretch out and maybe they were only tight from being in the dryer since I wore them only a month ago and they fit perfectly fine then.

But it’s been about 8 hours now and they still fit exactly the same, so I am going to take it that they are staying this way, which means only one thing: get rid of the jeans.

How many pair of jeans will I need to get rid of in recovery?

When I started recovery last December, it was winter season, so all my jeans that used to fit me then, no longer really fit now.

It wasn’t as much as issue over summer because I wore dresses and sweat shorts that didn’t really correlate to a size. But now that the colder weather is coming and it’s jean season, I think I need to start buying some new ones.

Every time I try on an old pair of jeans, I hope they will fit the same.

Um…I try to myself, that they are not going to fit the same, hence 8 months in recovery of no longer starving my body will cause that, and rightfully and deep down, happily so. But that still doesn’t make this any easier.

So, I guess my point is, that today, I add another pair of pants to bring to E tomorrow to add to my donation bag of sick clothes that I am donating.

If this continues…which it will because I will not keep these sick clothes around, I honestly need a new wardrobe…and  I guess maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

It won’t be easy to do, but  I would rather donate my sick clothes and buy myself  a new healthy wardrobe instead.

I am not sure when that will happen, but as my clothes collection is slowly dwindling every time I find a pair of sick pants to donate, it kind of has to happen sometime soon.

Anyway, so yes, I wore the too tight jeans today and I felt bad in them.

But I went out in the world and lived my life anyway.

I still saw my best friend, I still studied for my upcoming test, and I even had dinner with my aunt and cousin, all while wearing the too tight jeans.

But where the story of the too tight jeans used to end in me crying and tearing myself apart alone in  my room for hours, tonight, it ends with me carrying on with my life anyway.

Hello life.


6 thoughts on “Day 258: The Story Of The Too Tight Jeans

  1. I have the same issue. Since I March of 2011 (the time I was forced into Rogers Memorial Hospital for an eating disorder), I haven’t touched a pair of jeans. I currently have been wearing nothing but black yoga pants or sweatpants. I know I should step out of my comfort zone one day and try on a pair of blue jeans, but I have always found them uncomforable. They make my anxiety shoot through the roof. . . . so I guess I just avoid them.

    I know how you feel though and don’t worry about writing another post about jean issues. By writing exactly what’s going on, you are being honest and I can’t tell you how much I respect that. 🙂 Stay strong and keep kicking ED’s butt!

    • I honestly love the idea of wearing yoga pants right now! I think that might actually be a route that I might take for the time being until I can go buy myself some new pants that fit better and don’t make me feel as bad when I wear them. I think it’s total self-care that you are not going and getting jeans because you know it gives you anxiety, and that is amazing. You know how to take care of yourself, and not let Ed tell you to go buy jeans and feel bad, that’s so incredible! I love that and I look up to you for that. Thank you for your comment, it made me smile and gave me strength!

  2. Going through the exact same thing right now.

    Even yoga pants are sticking a little tightly right now and making me uncomfortable. What’s worse is that I don’t seem to be ready to get of them all just yet.. It’s like I’m holding in on to them just to make myself think that someday they might fit me again.

    I love your posts, they help me everyday! Stay strong, you’re an inspiration to so many of us

    • I so understand that! I held onto my pants for 8 months just up until now hoping the same thing, until finally, trying them on all the time just didn’t work for me anymore. And even now, as I am slowly getting rid of them, it is extremely hard. I think it’s truly one of the hardest parts of recovery and we each need to give ourselves as much time as we need to be with our clothes until we’re ready to part. It’s a huge deal. And thank you for commenting, it truly makes me feel like I am not alone in this, and we are all fighting together. To know we can all help each other brings me a lot of happiness =)

  3. For the longest time in recovery, I could not wear clothing unless it was a certain degree of looseness. I am finally starting to wear tighter clothing again (not my old tight clothing), and it is nice to still be able to eat full meals even when my pants are not loose.

    • That must be so freeing to be able to start to wear tighter clothes and get full at meals even if your pants are not loose! When I think about that, I get like a huge relief. I aspire to be where you are one day. Thank you so much for sharing and thank you for your comment!

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