I am really really really extremely uncomfortably full.
Ed is telling me it’s all my fault.
It’s late at night, I am stuck feeling like this, and I already feel my body being sore (again, I know I always say this when I talk about body soreness, but if anyone else in recovery is going through it, please contact me and let me know-it seems to be an unknown mystery that only a few other people in recovery have experienced. When I overeat, it feels like my whole body has bruises all over it).
So, I’m uncomfortable, I am kind of mentally spiraling just ever so slightly, and I really don’t want to talk about it tonight, which is unlike me, but for whatever reason, it’s how I feel in the moment.
What makes me feel even worse right now, is that tonight at dinner, my brother came and showed me that he made me two hello life bracelets; they are bracelets he made with this blog’s colors (yellow and purple).
I feel so bad because as I keep looking at them on my wrist right now, I wish I could just focus on that beautiful gesture of a gift, but instead, I am focused on feeling so full and on my soreness.
I know that this is where the tools I’ve learned from E for my recovery really need to come in.
What are tools that I can use right now to help me make it through tonight?
1. Distraction. I can work on my new story or study for my upcoming test.
2. Breathing. Every breath means a new second…
3. Talk to Ed. Ah, what I would give to sit Ed in E’s chair like I’ve done before and yell at him right now. I can still talk to Ed now, but I’m not really mentally ready for that. (I know, it’s crazy, I know. But sometimes, E and I let Ed “sit” in her chair, and I tell him how I feel about him. Seriously, it works).
4. Do something that evokes a positive emotion. OK…what makes me feel good? It’s too late for a massage, I don’t want anything to do with food, and it’s too late to watch a movie. Sometimes reading people’s comments on this blog make me feel better, so I guess I can do that.
Well, I guess I now have four things that I can spend my energy on, that will replace me sitting here and talking about how terribly consumed I am by Ed .I feel if I write about it, it will only give him more power. Or maybe it’s that I am so consumed by him right now ,I don’t even have the energy to vent to you all about the kinds of thoughts he’s putting into my head.
But by now, you all know Ed just as well as I do, so you can pretty much imagine what he is saying to me in this moment of extreme fullness.
I think I will try the breathing thing.
One breath at a time…morning will come.
I can sit here and get all anxious about the soreness that I’ll feel when I wake up, but really, what’s the point? It’s already here and I can only deal with things once they come to me.
And as I am taking my breaths, I am also going to keep glancing back at my wrist to stare at those hello life bracelets my brother made me.
Any hard day in recovery is still better than a good day at an eating disorder. I will leave it that for today.
Hello to one breath at a time, and hello life.