Day 253: …And More Rule Breaking

Hi everyone,

Yesterday, I wrote that I was stuck back in some of Ed’s ways, and I knew that I needed to break a little bit of my rules that went along with that, so I broke my food rule about only eating salad with chicken for dinner on Mondays.

I didn’t feel great about it. I actually felt nervous and very anxious about it, but I felt good that I took some of my power back from Ed.

I knew when I went to sleep last night, that today would be another battle like yesterday was, as it always is so hard to unlock myself out of Ed’s prison once I somehow get locked back in.

I don’t work out with my trainer on Tuesdays, and I used to take Tuesday’s off from working out, but for the past month or so, I haven’t.

So as much as I wish I could it here and tell you all that I vowed to myself that I would wake up today and not workout (since I knew I needed to take a day off to get out of Ed’s hold), I can’t say that.

I planned on working out.

Even though I was still not feeling well from the weekend, and even though I told E I wouldn’t, and even though I told my best friend I wouldn’t, the truth is, I was planning on doing it anyway.

Well, OK, Ed planned it and I was going to go along with it.

But when I woke up, before I could even get out of bed, I got a phone call to do an unexpected interview for the new story I am writing for my university newspaper.

This interview took longer than  I expected,and then it led to a slew of other interviews and before I knew it, the one hour I had set aside to go workout was now gone.

If I went later, I would be running behind on all my homework and tasks I had to complete before I had to leave for school.

So, I didn’t go.

Had I not gotten that call for the interview in the morning, I would have worked out. By getting that call, it threw off my entire Ed-dominated schedule.

And yes, I did make the choice after that interview to do homework instead of still workout, and it’s a decision I am very proud of.

I broke another rule today.

I broke Tuesday’s rule about working out.

It’s scary to be breaking these rules right now.

Throughout my recovery, I have broken a lot of Ed’s old rules that I used to have, especially around food.

But in the process, he’s also created new rules, such as this working out on Tuesday thing.

I think it goes to show me, that my work in recovery is far from done, and while I may be stronger than ever, Ed is certainly not done either.

For every rule I break, he will create a new one.

But that’s where my faith and hope come in.

Somehow, my grandma knew to make that dinner yesterday that broke my Monday night “salad for dinner rule.”

Somehow, that lady knew to call me today for that unexpected interview in the morning, right as I was planning to go workout.

On days that we can’t always be 100% strong and “perfect in recovery,” (I hate the word perfect, but I can’t think of a better word right now), I think it’s OK to rely on faith in the world to get us through.

When our hearts are fighting, like mine is for my freedom, I truly believe the universe will do what it can to help.

It’s done it before at the doctor’s office when I went for my check up, and the nurse told me I could skip the scale before I could even open my mouth to ask her to not weigh me.

It also happened again today with that interview before I wanted to workout.

And you know what else happened today? I broke another rule.

Hello to breaking not only the old rules, but the new rules too, and hello life.

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2 thoughts on “Day 253: …And More Rule Breaking

  1. Yes! Yes! Yes!!! The universe will do the work if you put it out there and be still. At least I like to believe that. And I know it’s harder to live by then say…. But good for you my little rule breaker!! xo

  2. Keep going. I know how hard it is to stop the spiral after you let go just a little bit, and let Ed win just a little. But you can do it. You’re already doing it. Break another rule today… it feels so good. 🙂

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