I was feeling really sick last night and today, so don’t ask me why I had chocolate fudge cake both meals in a row.
I didn’t even want it, I couldn’t even really taste it because I am sick, yet this morning, it was my breakfast.
Now, I’ve been thinking about this scenario in my head all day so I am going to try to break it down for myself.
Part 1: Ed’s voice.
When you live with an eating disorder, eating “forbidden” things like cake are not allowed. And if you do eat them, you need to eat all of it, right away, really fast, and then go and somehow “fix” it later.
That’s what happened today with the cake for breakfast.
Ed couldn’t handle it just being in my fridge. Usually, I am OK with unsafe foods being in my house because I am at the point where I can trust myself around them, but today just didn’t flow like that.
So, Ed said if I am going to have this cake in my fridge, I needed to eat it all, right now, standing up,and then not eat the rest of the day to compensate.
And yes, I listened to him about eating the cake. Did it feel good to let him make that decision for me? No. But here is the second part.
Part 2: I really just like cake.
I was craving cake all week, so when I had the chance to order it yesterday, I did.
It was bad timing because I was sick and maybe I should have waited until I could better enjoy it-but nonetheless, I got it.
This is the healthy part of this situation. You like cake, you eat it. No guilt, no over thinking.
It’s one piece of cake-not the entire universe on a platter.
I did let Ed dominate the cake for breakfast situation more than I would have liked.
I don’t regret eating the cake, because like I said, I love cake, but I wish it was more on my terms,’ my way. Maybe sitting down, or maybe on an actual plate or something of that matter.
But at the end of the day, although Ed would like to make me think that this one piece of cake completely morphed my body and that I need to go do some drastic extreme measures of exercising or restricting to fix it, I know he is wrong.
Really, if you think about it, all that happened, was that I had a piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.
No exercising or restricting needs to be followed by that.
What needs to be followed by that is some self compassion and understanding.
Big deal Ed, so I ate chocolate cake for breakfast.
I’ll live on and you one day, will not.