Day 249: Jean Sizes Don’t Validate Me

Happy Friday everyone,

I started today by adding two more pairs of sick pants to my bag that I am going to donate. I didn’t try them on first, even though I wanted to. I just put them straight in there.

It was so hard. Both of those pants had true meaning to me. They, along with my scale, used to validate how worthy I was on a daily basis.

At one time, one of those pants, used to be so tight on me, and at the end of my time with Ed right before I chose recovery, they were falling off. I was literally pulsing inside wondering how they would fit now.

I could have tried them. No one was there.

But I knew, no matter how good I felt before that moment, I wouldn’t feel good after trying them on; not because I didn’t necessarily like the way I looked today, but because I would have been stepping back into that place of letting these pants be my judge.

Instead, I dropped them into the donation bag.

Soon, but not yet, I think I will be ready to donate my first bag to the homeless shelter I found (there is a link to them on the “donate your sick clothes page.”)

Anyway, I spent the day after that seeing E, and then relaxing and sleeping. After such a crazy week, I just needed to rest. It felt weird, but it was necessary.

Ed doesn’t like when I rest. But he already lost his power today when I put those two sick pants in the donation bag.

And then tonight , I celebrated one of my brothers birthday, who turned 8 yesterday.

He was so happy because my sister and I got him his first real pair of walkie talkies.

Seeing him smile and seeing him play with the new toy we got him, just made me so happy.

Sometimes material items can have such a hold on us.

My pants are just pants, but they meant the world to me at one point because I trusted them to tell me if I was skinny or not that day.

But then there’s something like this pair of walkie talkies; so simple, so innocent, yet it brought joy to my brothers and their cousins for hours today.

But more than that, I didn’t need to wear a pair of sick pants, or a certain jean size tonight to feel like I was valued.

I saw it on my brothers face when he smiled and gave me a big kiss and said his walkie talkies were the best present he got.

No size jeans can do that.

Hello life.

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9 thoughts on “Day 249: Jean Sizes Don’t Validate Me

  1. Wow..and 3 months to go 🙂
    Yes, that is the kind of stuff that I look for now. I don’t even think about weighing myself..If the thought of that comes, I say ” How silly is that. “<3 Following what is really meaningful to us..
    Following our hearts 🙂

  2. I think we are kind of following the same timeline. I wish I had noted when I got rid of my scale. I’ve had it with my sick jeans and I hate to even call them that. But it is exactly like you said, they absolutely determine how I will feel and really, jeans shouldn’t do that. I have a pair of shorts and a top too that I should add to the pile. It is getting colder and I know that if I put them away and pull them out again next year it will be devastating to try them on and suddenly see the changes in my body. The top is kind of cute but if I’m honest, the only reason I’m holding on to it is because it is a kids size.

    I think I mentioned in my last post that my therapist said she can take them to a refugee organization. We gets lots of refugees here and I’ve already given some of my things like art supplies, that I never used, to them through my friend who teaches ESL. Your post has given me a bit more motivation and I think I am going to get at least a bag together to take to my therapist on Monday.

    Sigh…… doesn’t this just totally suck?!!

    • I think that would be so incredible to take your clothes to a refugee organization! I too, am bringing my first bag of clothes to my therapist on Monday too so I can do some kind of ritual to say goodbye to it before I donate it. It isn’t easy and it does suck, but it’s far better than living another day stuck in our eating disorders. We can do this! ❤

      • I’m so behind in posting, a fault of beautiful weather I guess, but am wondering if you took them in? I took mine in, will post about it shortly. Thanks for the motivation. My team has been asking me forever to do this but it wasn’t until you posted that you were in the process of doing this that inspired me. I even took shoes that were too big. I always kept them because I feared I would get fat again and would need them. I need to let go of that fear too.

      • Yes, I did take them in! An entire two bags full! And I will brings two more pants tomorrow. I have brought them to my therapist, but I haven’t donated them yet, but they are out of my house and with her, far away from me. I think that’s so amazing you brought yours in too! How did it feel and how do you feel? I am looking forward to reading about! Thank you for the support ❤

      • Yay, congratulations! Now that I think about it, despite wishing I still had them because of what they represent, not having them scream at me every morning to try them on just to “see”, not to have them always in my face, does bring the stress down a bit. 🙂

      • I agree! Now I just have to get rid of the 10 or so pairs left. But one pair at a time , it’s still less one pair to scream at me every day. Congrats on taking yours in too!!!!!! Made me so happy to read that post!

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