Happy Friday everyone,
I started today by adding two more pairs of sick pants to my bag that I am going to donate. I didn’t try them on first, even though I wanted to. I just put them straight in there.
It was so hard. Both of those pants had true meaning to me. They, along with my scale, used to validate how worthy I was on a daily basis.
At one time, one of those pants, used to be so tight on me, and at the end of my time with Ed right before I chose recovery, they were falling off. I was literally pulsing inside wondering how they would fit now.
I could have tried them. No one was there.
But I knew, no matter how good I felt before that moment, I wouldn’t feel good after trying them on; not because I didn’t necessarily like the way I looked today, but because I would have been stepping back into that place of letting these pants be my judge.
Instead, I dropped them into the donation bag.
Soon, but not yet, I think I will be ready to donate my first bag to the homeless shelter I found (there is a link to them on the “donate your sick clothes page.”)
Anyway, I spent the day after that seeing E, and then relaxing and sleeping. After such a crazy week, I just needed to rest. It felt weird, but it was necessary.
Ed doesn’t like when I rest. But he already lost his power today when I put those two sick pants in the donation bag.
And then tonight , I celebrated one of my brothers birthday, who turned 8 yesterday.
He was so happy because my sister and I got him his first real pair of walkie talkies.
Seeing him smile and seeing him play with the new toy we got him, just made me so happy.
Sometimes material items can have such a hold on us.
My pants are just pants, but they meant the world to me at one point because I trusted them to tell me if I was skinny or not that day.
But then there’s something like this pair of walkie talkies; so simple, so innocent, yet it brought joy to my brothers and their cousins for hours today.
But more than that, I didn’t need to wear a pair of sick pants, or a certain jean size tonight to feel like I was valued.
I saw it on my brothers face when he smiled and gave me a big kiss and said his walkie talkies were the best present he got.
No size jeans can do that.