Everything in my day was going pretty good up until about 10 minutes ago when I was trying to distract myself from doing my homework by looking through my old Facebook pictures that other people have tagged me in.
I’ve deleted any and all pictures that show my body whatsoever from my phone a while ago, but I guess I never thought about my Facebook.
So…you know where this is going already.
Every time I saw an old picture of myself, my mind instantly became a human calculator and all these numbers just jumped right into sync with each other.
Before I knew it, I had already established what I weighed that day, how the clothes fit that day compared to how they fit now (as I am still in the very beginning process of donating away my sick clothes), and what I ate that day.
I literally can recall all of that information for every single picture, including down to the crumb of what I ate. That goes to show you how much Ed took over me during those years.
Anyway, I didn’t delete those pictures yet because by the time I finished going through them right now, I realized how Ed-controlled it was and I stopped.
Going back to delete them now would not be smart, because I feel like I would be sucked right back in into analyzing all those numbers again.
So instead, I am making myself, all of you, and Ed very aware of what just happened, because once it’s no longer a secret, it doesn’t hold as much power, and it is now something I know I need to stay away from for now, and plan on deleting in the future, when the time is right.
So along with remembering all that information about what I weighed on those old pictures, I also remembered how I felt on each of those days.
I remembered which days I felt trapped, which days I binged, which days I felt weak, which days I had fights with my boyfriend at the time-I remembered everything. Every bad part. But for some reason, I didn’t remember any good parts.
When I look at my pictures that I have uploaded recently in the past few months, I see only one thing: the fun thing I did that night.
My favorite most recent picture is this one of my best friend and I wearing these amazing heart glasses at a restaurant we went to.
I don’t look at that picture and see my weight because I don’t know what it is and probably never will again.
I don’t look at it and see what I ate that day because I honestly don’t remember.
I do, however, remember that the restaurant we went to that night didn’t have the chocolate cake I wanted for dessert and I was really upset and had to settle for monkey bread instead–which is a pretty awesome hello life moment in itself.
I look at it and I see fun, life, freedom, and change.
My old favorite picture used to be this one of my ex-boyfriend and I when I was at my lowest weight. Not anymore. Not anymore at all.
Now, my new favorite picture is my best friend and I wearing heart glasses. What a change right? It doesn’t even show my body-it only shows my smile.
Why did I even waste my time reminiscing on those old pictures anyway? To look at it and wish I still had my old body, that’s the true answer.
But the reality is, that I have so much more than that now.
I might not have Ed’s dream body for me, but I have my life.
I have my laughter.
I have my smile.
And I have the hard earned privilege of living in recovery and saying hello life.