Day 240: Donating My Sick Clothes

Hi everyone,

I bought these pants on the day that I reached my lowest weight.

They were the pants I was wearing at a Friday night family dinner when my dad said to me, “you look way to skinny.”

They were my sick pants; my pants I wore when I was sick in my eating disorder.

More than that, they were my favorite sick pants when Ed was in charge.

They’ve also been the one consistent pair of pants that I’ve continued to try on whenever I am feeling vulnerable in recovery.

I wore them two weeks ago when I knew  I had a big family dinner to go to, hoping that the constant reminder of the buttons pushing into my stomach because of how tight they were, would be a reminder for me to not eat “too much.”

And I also wore them today.

I was feeling bad about the way my body looked today, and instead of being kind to myself, not only did I go and find those pants, I actually dug them out of the bottom of my drawer.

I had put them at the very bottom of my drawer this week when I was putting away my laundry because I already knew they were severely damaging to me and my recovery.

Ironically, these are the same pair of pants that I was wearing at my brother’s MMA fight about 6 months ago, when he won, and said to the entire audience of hundreds of people, “this win was for my sister, Shira. She is more of a fighter than I ever will be.”

So needless to say, these pants have journeyed with me.

They’ve journeyed with me through the lowest days of my eating disorder and through the most memorable and poignant moments of my recovery.

And now, it’s time that they journey elsewhere, because they are no longer suiting me.

The thought of just throwing away my sick clothes, especially this particular pair of pants, is extremely hard for me to think of; it’s a big reason why I’ve waited until now, 7 months into my recovery, to even think of about it.

It’s like throwing away a part of me…a part of Ed… and all the false lies of what he made me believe beautiful was.

But if I think about donating them to a place where they benefit someone else, it’s not so hard anymore.

Just because my sick pants no longer suit me, doesn’t mean they can’t suit someone else.

So, I’ve decided to finally donate my sick clothes, starting with these pants, to Hope of the Valley Rescue Mission, a local shelter for homeless women and children near me.

On that note, knowing how hard of a step this is for those of us in recovery, if you, or someone you know, would like to donate your sick clothes to someone in need and need a pathway in doing so, you can mail me your sick clothes and I will make sure I donate them along with my own.

If this is something you are interested in, contact me through my contact me page.

Of course, I know that mailing things across the world can be expensive, as I know many readers are not even in the United States.

If you find yourself wanting to donate your sick clothes, or even give away your sick clothes to somewhere near you, please feel free to take pictures of your experience and send them to me via my contact me form.

I am going to set up a page on the blog explaining this, as it will be on going until the last day of this blog, not just for today.

On that page, I will say how to contact me to send me your clothes, and I will post any pictures of others donating their clothes on it as well, so we can show the world our journey to gaining our power back from our Ed’s and helping others at the same time.

I loved these sick pants and Ed loved them too. They were his weapon to use against me.

But I love my recovery more.

And I love me more.

To my dear sick pants-may you bring someone else the comfort and happiness that I once thought I could find by fitting in you,that instead, I found within myself during recovery.

Hello life.

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8 thoughts on “Day 240: Donating My Sick Clothes

  1. i like that very much ,you are going exactly where your thoughts are leading you and they are doing a good job very good job i love u proud of u abba GUY MOSKOWITZ (818)2972927.

    >________________________________ > From: Hello Life: A Year Without A Scale >To: moskowitzguy@yahoo.com >Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2013 10:34 PM >Subject: [New post] Day 240: Donating My Sick Clothes > > > > WordPress.com >shiramoskowitz818 posted: “Hi everyone, I bought these pants on the day that I reached my lowest weight. They were the pants I was wearing at a Friday night family dinner when my dad said to me, “you look way to skinny.” They were my sick pants; my pants I wore when I was ” >

  2. Wow, memories… let me explain. The first time I was in an actual eating disorder program, they had us bring in our sick pants. We had them in front of us and we wrote all the accusatory ED thoughts all over them then ripped them up. Mine actually hung on the wall, a kind of wall art, as a reminder to all of us of the insanity. I wish I had that picture but it went down with the ship when the computer i had at that time catastrophically failed. sigh. It’s probably just as well.

    Also, as I was reading through I was pretty much identifying with every single word. I still have what my nutritionist calls my sick pants and I refuse to think of them as that. I still wear them as a marker but they are, of course, no where as loose as they were back in february.

    My first thought was to suggest the exercise that I had done but then as I read through your post I was so inspired by what you did decide to do. It inches me closer to wanting to do something like that as well but I hate to say it, my pants and a couple of tops are still kind of like a security blanket. Several times I put them away into a drawer that is hard to open, at the bottom of my trunk, in the back of my closet, but gave up and just put them with the rest of my pants because I felt stupid digging them out every time. I hate being a “number” even though I don’t know what that number is.

    • I totally understand our sick clothes being security blankets. Since writing this post, I have only put one pair of pants , the one I wrote about, and one top in my trash bag ready to be donated. I know that it will take me a while to go through everything and slowly pull them out-but one piece of clothing at a time, I will donate them all away. I think it’s just all part of this process into taking our freedom back. Even if it takes time and even if your sick clothes are with your regular clothes- they are not running your life completely by being there, where at one time maybe they did, and I think that’s a great thing. Right now, at least to me, your so far from being a number-your a source of strength and support, and I am so grateful for it.

  3. So proud of you and your streangth and determination to heal yourself and also continuously helping others. Wether it be by writing this blog, giving your sick pant to others, when you could have just burned or thrown them away or just simpily learning that people just want to tell thier story and for listening to them.

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