Before I begin today’s post, I just want to say the most heart felt thank you to everyone’s support yesterday-from all of you who sent personal emails, to those of you who commented, and to my family and friends who I personally spoke to, thank you for your love and support yesterday, it kept my spirits positive even when I felt crushed.
As for today; today is Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur is a Jewish holiday where adults are supposed to fast to atone for their sins during the year.
It is also a day for reflection; a day to think about how you can improve yourself as a person, and a day to ask for forgiveness from others who you have wronged.
Although I don’t consider myself a highly religious person, being raised Jewish, fasting on Yom Kippur was something I have always done. It wasn’t always for the right reasons once Ed came along…but nonetheless, I did fast.
For new readers-Ed is what I call my eating disorder. My eating disorder was such a big part of me for so long, I decided it should be its own entity. Sounds a little weird, I know. But it works-
This is the first year, since I have been 8 years old, that I am not fasting, and it was one of the hardest choices I had to make.
Going back and forth between fasting for the right religious reasons or fasting for Ed was confusing and ultimately, it lead me feeling guilty.
I know I should have wanted to fast for the right reasons, but I knew deep down, it wasn’t. It made me feel really guilty; even fasting when I was 8 years old was not about repenting for my sins, it was about the fascination that I would save myself some calories.
And with guilt, came the feeling of weakness.
Am I really not strong enough yet to just fast for one day and then bounce right back to my meal plan? 80 percent of me says I am, but 20 percent of me is unsure.
Even .000001 percent of uncertainty that could possibly lead me back to my eating disorder is enough to make me stay away from fasting; but it bothered me that I am not at that place yet.
So while I have not fasted today-(eating was actually much easier than I anticipated), I did think about the forgiveness aspect of Yom Kippur.
Over these several months in recovery, I’ve learned how to forgive those who hurt me; those who I felt pushed me towards my eating disorder.
Of course, if I have wronged anyone, as everyone in my life reads this blog, I ask for your forgiveness too.
Now I need to move onto the hard stuff of today: there are two people who I need to forgive in order to move on.
I need to forgive Ed, and I need to forgive myself.
I wrote a post on day 51 of this journey where I wrote a letter forgiving Ed (find the post here), so the only thing left to do now is to forgive myself.
I wrote in yesterday’s post how I feel like I’ve failed myself for not doing better on my writing test for NBC. It’s been almost 24 hours since I heard that I didn’t get the job, and I still feel the same way.
But I do not think that it is by chance that Yom Kippur, the day of forgiveness, falls on today; the day right after I begun to view myself as a total failure.
If i want to move on with my life and with my recovery, I need to do this.
So here it goes. (Yes, I am about to write a letter to myself…nothing is shocking or weird anymore on this blog. So let’s just roll with it).
My dear self,
It is never easy to forgive. It is never easy to forget.
But to forgive you, is by far the hardest thing of all.
While everyone else in the world can be tearing themselves apart, you can find a way to lift them up. But when you tear yourself apart, you are ruthless.
You are your own meanest judge, after Ed of course.
You were excited that day of the test and you were nervous; you just wanted to get it done, and furthermore, you really did the best you could.
So the lady on the phone said “you weren’t up to par,”-maybe she was right.
But maybe not.
Maybe her par is just different than your par.
I forgive you for not looking over that test that day.
I forgive you for staying so hopeful and getting your hopes up for the past two weeks even though your intuition told you not to.
And lastly, I forgive you for calling yourself a failure yesterday.
You may be “under par,” or not good enough for NBC, but one thing your not, is a failure.
With forgiveness and love,
Here is to not only forgiving myself for not doing better on that writing test, but more importantly, here is to forgiving myself for calling myself a failure.