Day 235: Good-Bye To NBC

Hi everyone,

“Your writing test just wasn’t up to par.”

That’s what the lady told me today when she called me at 5:15 p.m. to tell me I didn’t get the position at NBC that I’ve been praying for.

I knew exactly what part of the test I made mistakes on, because it’s the one part I kept thinking I should have looked over.

It was the hardest part of the test, and it was also the last part-right around the 3 hour mark.

I specifically remember being so drained by that time, that I did the best I could and submitted it.

I don’t know which is worse; admitting to the entire world on this blog that I didn’t get the job because my writing on that test wasn’t good enough, admitting it to Ed, or admitting it to myself.

“Wasn’t up to par”-also known as, “not good enough.”

To know that I didn’t get this position because my skills as a writer on that one single test weren’t good enough, literally eats away at the core of my being.

I know I am better than that.  At least up until today, I thought I was.

Here I am, in the midst of this journey to recovery from an eating disorder that has thrived off telling me I wasn’t good enough just the way I am-to now be told I wasn’t good enough for NBC either.

A few days ago, I said that my life is in the testing zone right now, and that I felt I was being put through this emotional waiting game to hear about this job to learn some kind of lesson.

I had a fellow blogger share her view that day on how not everything in life is always trying to teach us a lesson. I sit here today, and I am starting to think that maybe in this case, she was right.

What was the lesson here?

Why did I need to go through this for the past two weeks, being hopeful that I might get the job of my dreams, only to hear I didn’t, because my writing wasn’t good enough?

What is the lesson in that?

I had all the signs from the universe telling me I got this job. My song that I have dedicated to my grandpa who has passed away, who I call my guardian angel, even came on the radio last week and this morning.

And for what? To mess with my head?

It’ s just something I will never understand.

I’ve cried already all tonight, and I know I am not done yet.

But it’s either crying and being sad, or restricting and letting Ed comfort me. To be honest, both options totally suck, but I know I have to go with the first one.

I feel like I’ve failed. And worse than that, I feel like I’ve failed myself for not doing better on that writing test.

Ed is begging for me to run to him right now so he can make this all better; my logic is begging for me to stay strong, and my heart is begging for me to just let it cry.

This is the first major disappointment I am facing in recovery.

I will get past it. I will not resort to Ed-that is definite.

But, right now, I need a moment to say good-bye to the vision I had of myself at that job.

And then I need to delete the pictures I had of the NBC logo saved on my phone, ready to be posted to my Instagram and Facebook page when I envisioned myself getting the congratulatory call.

And when I am done with that, I need to start the process of forgiving myself for feeling like I’ve failed.

We all know the saying from the famous movie Forrest Gump, “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.”

Well, today I got the one filled with the coconut or weird strawberry filling that no one likes.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll get a yummy one.

But until then, I say through my tears, with the utmost hope that tomorrow will be a better day, hello life.


11 thoughts on “Day 235: Good-Bye To NBC

  1. I wish I could take away all of your pain! But sadly, this is life. There are disappointments that are deveststing just as there are joys that are euphoric!
    I’m sure papa was just letting you know you are perfect to him! As you are to so many! This is one woman, one company and not up to par was her personal opinion based on who knows what- everyone who reads your blog- has read your articles for the Sundial knows u are way under par…. Did u hear that?! Under par! In golf the worst thing is to be above par! U want the low score. Everyone and everything has its own way of scoring things.
    You took a 3 hour test you had no idea what would be on it and you did your best. And that’s all it was- a test… Testing 1,2,3…. Next time you will know what to expect. I wish everyone I ever interviewed with thought I was the best! The world just doesn’t spin that way. We are the best we can be and we will find a place that we are a good fit for and feel good about what we do for them. It will happen love! Hang in there. I’d be crying too- it’s horrible to hear someone say that to you- too bad she clearly doesn’t know what a wonderful intern she passed on.

  2. And if it makes u feel better- everyone knows NBC doesn’t have a clue! Even Jay Leno makes jokes about what losers they are to work for!

    • =) Thank you mom for being there for me this past two days, and especially for your revenge-fantasizing e-mail, as Sasha would put it! It made me smile and laugh even in the midst of feeling sad. I love you so much xoxo

  3. I believe in you, Shira. You do have talent that is worthy of respect. But right now you are hurting and need to grieve. You just lost a dream of yours. That can’t feel good.

    But I also believe that eventually you’ll get a job that will bring you excitement and joy. Like the Rolling Stones sang, “You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need.”

    Sending you a great big ((((((((hug)))))))

    • Mary,

      I feel the warmth of your hug right through this computer. Thank you for your love and for your belief in me, even when I don’t always believe in myself. I love that saying from the Rolling Stones and I hope they are right! Thank you for being so incredibly supportive xoxoxo

  4. Alright, so, your blog post comes right to my email and as I was reading I was thinking of everything I wanted to comment on and than, as I finished your post, I read through the tags there were listed at the bottom of the email. Are you aware of what the very last tag was?

    “Self Love”

    And that kind of said it all. Yeah, it really sucks you didn’t get the job, yeah, it is totally natural to want to go back to the one thing that has been super consistent in your life, the eating disorder and yes, it is completely normal to be sad and upset. But look at you… you are doing the very thing they criticized you on, you are writing. Maybe your writing wasn’t right for them but it doesn’t mean it isn’t perfect in other settings, this blog for instance. And beyond that, the fact that you are even on this blog writing about this instead of doing a million sit-ups all night or throwing out all the food in your fridge, never to eat again, is in itself a huge success.

    Not getting a job is really tough. Not being accepted is really tough. We tend to take it as a failure or as a rejection instead of taking it on as a challenge or realizing that it wasn’t you so much as maybe someone else said something just a different way that made them the first choice. That is what they should have said. To say it was not up to par was irresponsible on their part. Are they your professors? Your judges? No, they are simply people who already have jobs that are hiring people that need jobs. I think, because they are in that position of power, they forget the effect words can have on people.

    If it helps any, think of yourself as getting a fabulous job in the next couple of weeks where you become super wealthy and wildly famous and they, NBC, come to you for an interview on say, your new book. And there you are… “Oh no, I just can’t fit you into my schedule. I am interviewing with CBS, ABC, The Literary Society and working on a writing course that will be taught through the Great Courses……” Then imagine yourself turning casually away, hair flipping through the air, as they slowly realize you could have been working for them all along; their loss. ;-D

    I’ve always found fantasizing about, how would you call it, revenge-success, always makes the perceived rejection suck just a little bit less.

    Hang in there, you’ll find something that is the right fit for you. In the mean time, be super duper proud of yourself for loving yourself enough to care… just as you noted in your tags.

    • Sasha,
      I didn’t even notice that I had tagged self love in this post until you pointed it out to me! I’ve read your comment multiple times since yesterday and it has truly made me smile, it has brought me hope, and it has definitely made me excited about the revenge-success you talk about! I am hopeful that eventually I will find a right fit for me, it’s just a hard pill to swallow knowing this one was not it. Thank you so much for your lifting and inspiring words, I am going to continue to read them over and over. xoxo

  5. Shira, your the best sister, writer, reporter, journalist, and student. That person who told you that doesn’t even write so they have no right that your not good enought. Truth is that your way too good enough. Your better than the person who got it. No one, not even me, knows how hard you work. You do everything to its best. There’s not one thing you never tried your best at. Your the best and don’t let anyone bring you down. Love u

  6. its all good . its another lesson . u said your self that in the last part u were not good ,but you were very good that you went there and u were very good that u went there more then once , and u were not good for them now but u are excellent writer that in the next time u will get it . only brave people and excellent writers to begin with go to this kind of high levels of challenge . you should be nothing but very proud of your self . NBC , ABC , CNN , channel 5 , and there are many more big names out there much bigger then NBC. You should thank NBC for giving you a chance all they did they donated their time to help you get a much better position and its coming so be ready , heads up , its only a practice before the bigger one which is coming soon . im proud off you that you elevated your self and you are doing high level challenges which you will get very soon. only the best go even to try so for me u are number 1 . it takes time to know that bur soon u wikll know that and the world will as well,i love u most in the world and you are on your way to big success abba GUY MOSKOWITZ (818)2972927.

    >________________________________ > From: Hello Life: A Year Without A Scale >To: >Sent: Friday, September 13, 2013 10:36 PM >Subject: [New post] Day 235: Good-Bye To NBC > > > > >shiramoskowitz818 posted: “Hi everyone, “Your writing test just wasn’t up to par.” That’s what the lady told me today when she called me at 5:15 p.m. to tell me I didn’t get the position at NBC that I’ve been praying for. I knew exactly what part of the test I made mistake” >

  7. Shira,
    Just wanted to say how much I Love you and what an amazing person you are. You are not a failure in my eyes you are a success. You are a success because you tried. If you would not have tried than that’s a different story all together. I do understand how not achieving what you wanted so badly can hurt so much, as I am going through it right now myself. All we can do in times like this is pick up the pieces, learn the lessons we need to learn and move on to bigger and better things. The journey continues!!! I LOVE YOU and want you to know how proud I am of you!!!

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