Last night, after I ate the chocolate cake for breakfast (I wrote about it in yesterday’s post), I just didn’t seem to fully recover from it mentally.
It had been a very long time since I had felt that I was locked inside Ed’s prison again, banging my head on the bars wishing to rip them out of the ground with my own two hands, only to find that my hands and feet are glued to the floor and it’s as if I am not even moving an inch; just letting those bars stare at me, with Ed dangling the key far far away.
I spent all of last night in that prison watching Ed dangle those keys in front of my face.
I ate dinner there. I ate even more dessert there. I slept there. and I woke up there this morning.
Somehow, I found it within myself to bring E my bag of sick clothes that I am going to donate to charity. I knew the moment I got up, that they needed to get out of my room, otherwise I would be trying them on all day over and over again.
When Ed is loud like he was today, I always turn to my plan; his plan; pure rigidity.
Eat only safe foods. Follow the food rules-those that’s the basic plan of rigidity.
While I gave away my 7 page list of food rules to E within the first 100 days of this blog, there are still food rules I abide by.
I knew that if I stuck to all of them today, they probably would not be broken again for a long time, and honestly, I didn’t have the capacity today to fight it on my own.
I was planning on getting a salad with some protein for dinner like I usually do on Mondays (rigidity, rigidity , rigidity), but my grandma decided to make us dinner.
It’s like she knew that I needed to break some kind of food rule today in order to step out of that jail-but I never even told her.
I haven’t broken a food rule like this in months.
I even asked her if she made dinner for both of us, or if she made it for just her- what a dumb question right, why would she make it only for herself?
So of course, when she said she made it for both of us, it was clear that I was officially going to be breaking the salad for dinner on Monday’s rule.
Here I sit, one hour later, and I can say, I did it.
Surprisingly, I feel really good about it.
It was easier doing it with someone I love, but since I didn’t say what I was thinking, I kind of battled with the experience inside my head.
But there we go-the rigidity has been broken.
A part of me has been taken back from Ed.
Am I in a better place than I was this morning? Yes, but am I in a good place? No, not yet.
Recovery ebbs and flows and I know that I will have those keys back in my hands soon.
But for now, I apologize to those who e-mailed me asking for guidance or advice today.
First off, thank you for sending all your love and support because it keeps me strong on days like these.
But the reason I have not answered yet today is because I don’t have advice to give at the moment, since I am kind of sitting in Ed’s little house myself, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing. But when I do know the right words to say, I will so happily respond, as I normally do.
I don’t write today as an inspiration or as a form of guidance.
I write today as another fighter who needs support.
Part of breaking the rigidity of an eating disorder is breaking the rules-food rules and all other eating disorder rules-one of the biggest ones being to never show your weak, because that would mean your admitting that your actually not perfect (every Ed’s worst nightmare).
Well, here I am admitting it and breaking that major rule.
I need support today-there, I said it, Ed. I’m not perfect and I need some extra strength today.
If we’re going to break away from rigidity, let’s give it all we got, right?