Day 221: I’m The Driver

Happy Friday everyone,

So, where is Ed at today?

He’s here, like always, of course.

I felt him speaking to me a little louder than usual today for whatever reason.

For example, when I went to get frozen yogurt today, and I saw that it weighed 8.6 ounces, I let Ed tell me to throw half of it away when I got home.

You would think that I felt more comfortable once I threw half of it away, but I didn’t.

I felt the opposite.

I felt ashamed and disappointed at myself that I even let Ed tell me to do that.

I obviously wanted that amount of yogurt for a reason, and I let him tell me otherwise.

While that didn’t feel good to let Ed take power over me like that, I tried to remind myself that it was only one incident in my entire day when I let Ed back in.

Just one.

There were times where Ed ran my entire life.

Every day. Every hour. Every week. So, one incident today is not something I am going to beat myself up over.

However, there was also something great that happened today, that by far, is better than pleasing any of Ed’s demands and it outweighs the disappointment I had in myself for giving into him that one time today.

After having my interview for a paid internship with NBC yesterday, I got notice that I have moved into the final hiring stage for KNBC, which is channel 4 news.

Pretty much my dream come true.

I spent the first half of the day trying not getting too excited about it.

Then I spent the second half of the day trying to shut Ed out completely.

And then I realized, I don’t think my goal for the moment is to shut anything out completely, even Ed.

It’s about balance.

I am actually pretty content with learning how to live my life, pursue my dreams and my school, even with Ed in the picture.

It’s not about demolishing him as a whole, because what takes years to create, will probably take years to destroy.

It’s about learning to navigate my life with me in the drivers seat.

At one point, Ed was my driver. I was the passenger.

We’re still in the same car together, but now, I am driving.

I’ve said that I am the driver in previous posts, and while I feel I’ve been driving the car for a while now, it’s only now that I am starting to feel in control of the vehicle.

The speed we go at…the lights we stop at it…most of the time now, it’s me, not Ed.

Especially this week.

And I can sincerely tell you, that I truly feel within my veins, that I am driving myself somewhere great.

Maybe by the time I arrive, I will have dropped Ed off somewhere. And if not, then he can sit back and watch me excel without his input.

Either way, I’ m the driver.

Hello life.

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