I woke up this morning, did my video interview for NBC, went to get my nails done, and then went to pick up a copy of my college newspaper so I can see my story published.
All good things, right?
Actually, they were all great things.
Up until about 30 minutes ago, I was happily enjoying myself in a slight world of lala land where it was just me feeling proud of myself; Ed was not there.
But, (and I don’t mean to take away from any of those beautiful times I spent without Ed today, but there is a but), then I got invited to dinner.
One of the families who I tutor for invited me to have Rosh Hashanah dinner with them next Wednesday night. It’s a celebration of the Jewish new year.
Of course I said yes, because number one,it would be rude to decline, and number two, I really think it was such a kind and warm thing for them to do.
And then as I was driving home, it hit me.
Wednesday night is dinner with my tutoring family.
Thursday night is dinner with my dad’s side of my family.
Friday night is dinner with my mom’s side of my family in San Diego.
Three dinners back to back to back, everyone.
Three big, food filled, dinners.
And if you can’t already feel it by now, my anxiety level started to soar.
I know it’s a whole week away, but I already, or I should say Ed already, has started planning what to eat on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, leading up to those dinners.
He is saying they should be really light meals, and possibly extra cardio on those days.
Here is my question, do “normal people” (no one is really normal, but people without eating disorders), think about stuff like this?
Do they get anxiety over having three straight dinners back to back?
I knew that the upcoming holidays would be a challenge for me, as any first in recovery is.
And holidays can be especially difficult being that they are surrounded by so much food and so much people-the two things that Ed despises the most.
I just didn’t think it would start to affect me already.
The part of me that is not connected to Ed, wants to enjoy these dinners.
I want to enjoy getting to know the family I tutor, outside of the one hour I spend with their child.
I want to enjoy my time with my brothers and my family on Thursday.
I want to enjoy the beach and dinner with my grandma and mom and aunt on Friday night too.
But you see, with Ed in the picture, it will be a lot harder to get to those moments of joy.
I know I can still have them, but I need to make that decision now.
I need to decide that I will enjoy the upcoming holidays with my family, and yes, with the food too.
Decision made. I will enjoy it.
The next step is how to fight Ed to get to that enjoyment?
Even though I have a lot of anxiety right now, part of my heart is so warmed by the fact that I was invited to dinner by someone I work for.
They actually care about me and wanted to do something nice. That right there, is me speaking, not Ed.
Anyway, I am opening up this post for any advice possible.
What do you do on the holidays when you are surrounded by food? I don’t think that people with eating disorders are the only ones who face this issue.
If anyone, whether you have an eating disorder, or are in recovery for an eating disorder, or don’t even have an eating disorder, has any advice, I would love to hear it, because I truly do want to enjoy these dinners next week.
And I will enjoy them, it’s just scary because it’s the first time I am doing the holidays while being in recovery.
But the fear over how to handle something new in recovery, completely outweighs the fears that I used to have when I was living in Ed.
Fears like being scared to eat anything other than prunes for lunch, or being scared that the extra piece of gum I ate would throw off my weight the next morning.
And maybe this isn’t even a fear about these dinners, maybe it’s just something new.
Doesn’t everyone get a little anxious when they experience something new?
And I should point out to myself, that three dinners in three days also means three times of spending time with people who love me.