Ed woke up with me today at 7:30 a.m. when I realized that my neck is still injured and therefore, I couldn’t workout, yet again.
The idea of not exercising for four days in a row now is getting mentally harder for me to deal with everyday, and of course, Ed is not helping me.
On top of that, today was my first day back at school.
It’s actually my last semester of college, as I will be graduating in December.
It brought me a lot of different emotions.
Part of me was so excited and ready to end this chapter of my life and move on to bigger things.
Part of me was excited to start a semester as being senior reporter for my university newspaper.
But part of me was also scared and nervous.
When I started recovery in March, school was slowly ending, and I was still kind of figuring the whole recovery thing out. The eating part of recovery was still new to me at that time.
For a lot of people who do not have eating disorders, they think that the first step in recovery is eating, but it’s not.
The first step is even realizing that you have an eating disorder in the first place-and that is where I was around the time school ended before summer.
Today was the first day I had to go through a full day of school, totally living in recovery, meal plan and all.
So here I was this morning, sitting with two options.
A) I could let Ed be in control of my very first day of my last semester of college and my first day of officially being senior reporter or
B) I could find it within myself to stay true to what’s important today; my future, my writing, my school, and my recovery. Not eating or restricting just cannot make the list.
So, I chose option B.
It was hard. Very hard.
The words “very hard” actually don’t even give it justice.
I literally felt like a robot on auto pilot all day, just eating at the times I knew I had to, and eating what I know is on my plan. It was automatic, with no feelings attached.
When Ed gets to me and I disconnect from my hunger cues, it’s easy to let him win.
I was already thinking of how great it was that I was so busy today with a full school schedule and work schedule, and how convenient it would be to be “too busy” to eat.
That was my excuse last year in school.
It’s not a valid excuse for me anymore.
I know if I want to be the best reporter I can be this semester, and produce good quality work and make good grades, I need to eat to stay clear minded.
As far of my first day of school in recovery goes… I did it, but it was not easy at all.
But that’s OK, because in the end, I won’t remember the struggle of today as much as I will remember that I was in control today, not Ed; and that I won over him.
I can see this semester being a great one for me, now that Ed is not who I use to define myself by.
I won’t go into anymore tests or presentations or interviews only thinking about what I weighed that day.
I will be present.
I might struggle with Ed’s thoughts vs. my own thoughts, but this is my time to show myself what I am capable of without Ed or without a number on a scale bringing me down.
I worked too hard to get to this place in recovery to let Ed ruin this last semester for me.
I am doing this.
I am going to finish my last semester in college living in recovery. Wow. Hello life.