Day 215: Not Going To Fall

Hi Everyone,

I sit here writing today’s post in bed with a heating pad on my neck and Advil by my bedside.

I woke up this morning, ready to go workout, but I slept wrong and I could not move my neck at all.

I went to the gym anyway, only for my trainer to send me right back home, since I pretty much can’t move at all.

I guess I had some kind of hope that she would let me work out anyway, because after eating a lot of food and sweets yesterday, I really felt the need to burn some of it off.

Well, she didn’t let me workout, and I am thankful for it, because I would have hurt myself even more.

But naturally, Ed and I were not happy about that.

I was already in pain from my neck, and on top of feeling that discomfort, now I had to live with the feeling of not being able to burn off any calories from yesterday.

It’s annoying and it’s frustrating, but at least I listened to her, and I came home and rested all day.

And I still ate today too, which is a victory for me and a loss for Ed.

In the midst of me driving myself to the gym thinking I could actually work out today,  I got a Facebook message from one of my old friend’s dad.

This friend and I were friends in high school, and over the recent years, he was battling some Ed’s of his own, although his was not food, his were drugs.

As I said in a post last week, everyone has their own Ed in life…whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else people might use as an outlet to deal with life.

Anyway, he came home from rehab about two months ago.

I spoke with him on the phone, but never saw him in person, as I didn’t want to get too close to someone who I wasn’t sure was strong enough to stay away from their addiction, and I didn’t want him to introduce me to any new coping mechanisms like drugs; Ed is already enough for me to handle.

Over the past few days, his parents kept asking me where he was, and for the phone numbers of the people he is with.

I had no idea why they were contacting me, since him and I haven’t spoken in a few weeks.

Today, I found out, he had told his parents, for the past few weeks, that he’s been hanging out with me and my friends.

He knew his parents trusted me.

He used me as his cover up, so he could go do whatever he is currently doing…I am not sure what it is, but considering he isn’t communicating with his family, I assume it is not good.

At first, I was so upset.

How could someone use me to cover up for them doing harmful things to themselves like possibly using drugs?

Especially me…this guy and I were close friends. He was even the third subscriber to this blog.

And then I realized, I can’t even be mad at him.

I can’t be mad at him because this isn’t him doing this, it’s his own Ed.

I remember when I used to use people to cover up for me and my dear Ed.

I would use my brothers, and tell my boyfriend at the time, that I ate dinner with my brothers already, so I couldn’t eat with him.

I would tell my sister I couldn’t eat with her since I had to make dinner for my boyfriend (at the time).

The list goes on and on.

I doubt my friend is reading this post today, because when you are back in that dark world of addiction, you don’t pay much attention to the present world outside.

But if you for some reason are…I hope you know that no matter how many times you’ve fallen, you can still get back up.

Right now, in this moment, you can stop, take back control, and get back up.

I have to remind myself of this message today too.

Ed is yelling at me that I should not eat because I didn’t work out today.

But I am eating anyway.

Why? Because I know what it’s like to fall victim to Ed,and how hard it is to find the strength to stand back up again.

I woke up this morning standing up to Ed,and I will go to sleep standing up to Ed.

I’m not going to fall today.

And to my friend who is struggling today, I hope you can find it within yourself to stand up too.

Hello life.


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