So, I had today all planned out. Turns out, I didn’t even need to, because fate took care of it for me anyway.
Since last week, I knew that I was going to the doctor today. I knew that they always weigh me when I go to there; it used to be my favorite part.
But this time, it had to be different.
I had not been to a doctor since my recovery has started, except for my initial exam by an eating disorder specialist, and that day, was the first time I did a back weigh.
I have done many back weigh’s before with my old nutritionist, (a back weigh is where you stand on the scale but don’t see the number). But I was safe with her because I knew she would never blurt out the number.
I read a blog post about another girl in recovery for an eating disorder, who went to her doctor, and the nurse accidentally said her weight out loud. I was so scared this would happen to me.
When I was walking in, I started thinking to myself, “I wonder what would happen if I did see the number today. Maybe I am ready to handle it?”…but because this entire blog is dedicated to one year without a scale, I didn’t even give myself the option of going there.
Why give up now after I’ve come so far?
And more importantly, in retrospect, I know that I could not have handled seeing that number today.
I walked in the office, and I saw the scale.
It wasn’t an electronic one, it was an old school one, where they stand and move the little block until the scale tips.
Even if I did a back weigh, I would have been able to feel where they stopped the little block and how far along they moved it.
I knew in that moment, I could not get on there. I knew I was not ready.
I was trying to go over my lines that I practiced with E in my head as what to say to the nurse, but before I could even find them, the nurse said to me, “do you know your approximate weight? because if you do, we can just skip the scale.”
I was in shock.
“Um..yeah, I know it,” I told her.
I told her the closest number that I think I am-who knows if it’s even accurate or not-because the last time I saw a number on a scale was over 7 months ago-but whatever, it was good enough for her.
There are moments in life where things are meant to happen and when things are not meant to happen. And today, I was not meant to stand on that scale.
I remember sitting in the room waiting for the doctor, saying “thank you” silently to whoever was watching over me today from above, because someone definitely was.
Never, in all the years that I have come for a yearly check up, has the nurse given me the option to skip the scale. They didn’t even know I am in recovery for an eating disorder.
I talked yesterday about having faith in what will be…and today was a perfect example of that.
And I can’t end this post, without giving myself the slightest bit of credit for fighting that temptation to not stand on that scale today.
It’s not the first time in my recovery that I’ve seen a scale in front of me and have had to walk away from it, but it’s never easy.
There is always Ed sitting in the back of my mind pushing me just to hop right on.
But I didn’t do that today.
I listened to myself, instead of to him, and it’s something that is getting easier to do each day.
The universe never seems to stop amazing me.
What we put into it, we truly do get back.
And today, after the many favors I’ve done for people in my life, the universe gave me back a favor and let me skip the scale at the doctor.
As far as a good day goes…I don’t think I can ask for anything more.