“Wow, I can’t believe I ate all that food yesterday.”
“How could I eat all that dessert last night?”
“Of course, I wake up feeling sore.”
“OK, extra hard working out for me today.”
Those were the thoughts that I had when I first woke up this morning.
Had I not needed to leave the house by a certain time to take my little brothers to school, I might have stood in the mirror and body checked over and over; but I wanted to be on time, so I didn’t do that.
As I was walking my youngest brother into his kindergarten classroom, he asked me to stay with him five extra minutes.
“Do you want to show me where you sit,?” I asked him.
He nodded and smiled and rushed over to his desk and showed me his pencil box that had his name written on it.
He was so excited to share this new part of his life with me.
I sat next to him as he wrote his name on his paper, all by himself; another big deal that he wanted to show me.
I don’t know what it was about those few minutes of sitting there with him in his classroom, but something inside me just didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to.
So I kissed him and left.
From the minute I left his classroom, I felt like I was this light feather who had no more burdens on her. I don’t mean light as in weight, I mean light as in carefree and happy.
It was as if I had little wings attached on my shoulders that decided to pop out and flutter for me.
Since I left his classroom, I never thought about all the food I ate last night again; or working out too hard, or how I looked.
Something about sharing that moment with my youngest brother, was so powerful and touching, that it made Ed disappear from my world.
These moments, like sitting next to my brother on his third day of Kindergarten and him being so happy to show me his new seat and pencil box-these are the moments that make life worth smiling for.
Each tiny moment of happiness that I experience is slowly becoming my armor to protect myself and defend myself from Ed.
I hope everyone reading this blog today, was blessed enough to experience a tiny moment of happiness too.
If you did, what was it?
Feel free to share your moment or moments of happiness on this post-as I know it would bring me and others so much joy to get a glimpse of the kind of happiness that other people feel.
I used to think I could only get that happy, light as a feather feeling by seeing a really “good” number on the scale or by buying new clothes that were a size 0.
I used to think I could only achieve happiness through Ed; through losing just one more pound.
No, that wasn’t happiness.
This little boy being excited to show me how he writes his name on his paper-that’s happiness.
And no eating disorder in the world can stop me from enjoying that experience with him.