Today was very simple: I took back some of the control that Ed was having over me the past few days with all this insane picture taking I was doing.
E said it perfectly.
“It’s OK to be in that Ed chaos for a little, but now its time for you to take back the reins.”
She was right.
It was time to take back control and show Ed who is in charge of my life.
It’s not him; it’s me.
So, what did I do?
E sat with me, and I deleted over 40 new pictures that I had taken in the past few days and saved on my phone.
One by one…delete, delete, delete.
I felt like I had lost something precious to me afterwards. It felt like the same feeling I had when I gave up my scale.
These pictures had become my scale lately, and now they are gone.
These pictures have been my way of identifying myself lately. I’ve grown attached to them. I knew every single one of them.
They had become a reminder to me about why I should let Ed be the dominant one in our relationship; because of how “bad” my body looks now.
Just how the numbers on the scale would make me feel like I am constantly trapped in my mind running laps unable to stop the craziness-that is how these pictures made me feel.
Now that they are deleted, I am scared of what I will do next.
I don’t want to take anymore pictures.
But it’s not like a scale, where I can take it out of my house. I have my camera on my phone next to me at all times.
Temptation is always there.
My fear isn’t what would happen if I don’t take anymore pictures?
My fear is what if I do?
What if I take more pictures, after I’ve told myself I don’t want to anymore?
That would be like standing on the scale after I promised I wouldn’t do it for a year.
It would lead to disappointment in myself, and that is far worse than the feelings I have of shame for even taking the pictures in the first place, or the feelings of self loathing I have for my body when I look at those pictures.
The extremist in me wants to say “no more pictures forever,” or “no more pictures for a year,” just like I did with my scale.
But giving up my scale for a whole year didn’t just happen in one day.
I attempted to give it up many times before I made that year commitment.
At first, it started with not weighing myself for one day. That one day turned into three days, and those three days turned into a year.
So for a moment here, I am going to be a realist, instead of an extremist, and try to find some balance.
I know that tomorrow will be a hard day for me, as I will be attending the funeral of my friend who passed away today from overdosing yesterday.
On top of that, I will be seeing a lot of old friends who have not seen me since my eating disorder started.
The last thing I need is to let my Ed take over me on a day where I am so strongly reminded of how someone else’s “ed” took their life away from them.
So for now, I will say that for one day, tomorrow, I will not take pictures of myself.
That’s it; one day only.
This is so opposite of what my black and white personality wants to do, but I am going to flow with it.
A one day commitment of no pictures.
I can do that.
It’s a step towards taking back the reins from Ed, and to that I say, hello life.