Today I went to go see an old friend of mine from high school, who was also my neighbor.
He is in the hospital right now, living off life support, after taking too many prescription pills a few days ago.
As I was standing in the room, his mom took his hand in hers, and said, “he loved everyone, but himself…all he wanted to do was escape the pain.”
He didn’t want to overdose. He didn’t want this to happen; all he wanted was an escape.
But when she said that he loved everyone but himself, it really struck my heart, because that is the struggle that I have been fighting everyday for the past 7 months now; learning how to love and accept myself just the way I am.
Ed was my escape from me not loving myself; pills were his.
We are no different.
For me, I had my eating disorder. For him, he had his pills.
It made me think about how everyone in life, has their own Ed in their own kind of way.
My Ed is my eating disorder.
Maybe someone else’s version of Ed is drugs, maybe for some of us it is athletics; whatever it is, I so deeply understand what its like to love everyone, but yourself, and to let those other “Ed’s” be your comfort for that. Whether your “ed” is food, drugs, alcohol, or anything else, they all serve the same purpose; to escape from yourself.
I understand wanting to escape from a world where life just seems too overwhelming.
For me, it was overwhelming with food or numbers…for others, it might be other things.
Is this the ultimate destination for those who will never find the path to true self acceptance and love? The death of your own soul? The death of your body?
I don’t care anymore today, about what I cared about yesterday.
My shell of a body that I let my own Ed tell me to take pictures of in the mirror…that just doesn’t matter as much when you see a family try to put the pieces together of how their son ended up on life support.
They were devastated, confused, speechless.
But I understand how he got there.
I understand because had I not started recovery, it could have been me.
I understand how easy it is to start to think that those escapes that make us feel so temporarily good, can so quickly become the worlds that we want to immerse ourselves in.
I remember the high I would get from not eating. It could last me days.
It took me a long time to start to realize how it was affecting my life. I didn’t want to harm myself, I just wanted to escape.
And that is all my friend wanted to do; he wanted to escape.
A life is gone.
A life is gone because another person’s “ed” won.
In honor and out of respect for the life that was essentially already lost today, there will be no “hello life” at the end of today’s post.
Instead, there will be a moment of silence.
If you are reading this post right now, I ask you to please take a moment of silence with me, as I not only pray for my friend and his family, but for all those souls who are fighting to stay alive in a world where they feel they need to escape, because they are not good enough the way they are.