Day 201: Insanity

Hello everyone,

I apologize for the last blog ending in the middle-hopefully this one works.

So, if you have noticed, over the past week or so, I have been telling you all that I’ve started taking pictures of myself in the mirror again.

After deleted over 500 pictures about two months ago, I put myself on a 30 day photo cleanse.

Well, the photo cleanse ended, and the picture obsession began, yet again. It is no surprise to me that this picture taking began again at the same time that I’ve been having trouble accepting my body.

Last week, I would take only a few pictures a day, and then delete them right away. I would take the picture, look at it, and then delete it immediately.

Now, I take the pictures, and save them until later, so I can look at them when I feel like it.

Every time I look at them, I critize every single part of me. Sometimes I tell myself, that maybe next time, I will like what I see.

No. This will never happen.

Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I keep doing the same thing over an over again with these pictures, expecting that I will like them, but I won’t.

I am living the definition of insanity with these pictures.

It’s not like I am looking at photos that someone else has taken of me; I am purposefully taking these pictures to judge myself.

I don’t even want to take these pictures, I just do it like I am on auto pilot.

It reminds me of when I used to weigh myself everyday. I didn’t want to do it, but Ed had so much control over me, I would wake up and do it anyway. It was a set routine.

Wake up, pee, weigh myself.

For the past two days, I have been in this auto pilot routine with taking these pictures.

My body is just taking these pictures without me even knowing what I am doing. Ed is being the controller, and I am being the puppet.

Get up, get dressed, take a picture.

So, two days of picture insanity later, and I am left with 32 new not deleted pictures currently sitting in my phone. I know I will be ready to delete them soon, when I am ready.

I think that it takes a strong person to know when they succeed, but it takes  a wiser person to know when they fall or take steps backwards.

These pictures are a step backward for me, and I am not afraid to see it or admit to it.

It will not be the end of my recovery that I have started taking pictures again.

It will however, be a reminder of how hard it is to pick your feet up again after you’ve planted them two steps behind where they used to be.

But it is ok.

I am not scared to take steps back, because they will motivate me to take three steps forward tomorrow.

Hello life.

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Day 201: Insanity

  1. I know… I noticed n feel but more than all I am proud of u. You know u better than all n therefore u r the only one who can help yuour self. You r the Master, controller. Love u

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. You are just a bit stuck looking for your cheese 🙂 Cutest book ever, “Who moved my cheese?” quick easy read and you will see that the fact that you know what you are doing is insane it the way that you do it knowing you WONT get a different outcome … is not really at all what Einstein was talking about… that would be if you did it and really thought you would have a different outcome. You know you are doing it and don’t want to… you know it won’t make you happy… you want to be able to stop…. so there is nothing at all insane about that. It’s a work in progress… you are the mouse (I forgot his name) who DOES KNOW the cheese was moved and must find a new way to get it! You are not the insane one doing the same thing everyday thinking the cheese will one day show up again. You are the brave one on the path to find where it has been moved! Sometimes… most times, the obstacles ARE the right path.
    xoxo Keep on Keeping ON!

  3. All our life are many moments of pictures from different times that each represent a memory . Each person has his own memory card . As we grow up more mad more we are becoming our own search engines ,human google. On a very early age relatively because high .very high intelligence you are abaling to file your memories on the spot and u do it very alert when it comes to negative moments . Memories. The bad the moments are there more then less. The good and the best and you are on your way stronger then ever . I could smash the bad life . Almost no processes time straight to the spam. I’m proud of u but much much more i believe in you Shira . You are a winner like Dean said you are stronger fighter then him and he is an animal you 2 , I watch you from the side I see feel your struggles , you are so much in a good different world since you started I love u baby and as of today I feel that I’m going to escalates my mind towards any thing to do with u . Have fun tonight I’m yours 24/7abba

    Sent from my iPad

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