I apologize for the last blog ending in the middle-hopefully this one works.
So, if you have noticed, over the past week or so, I have been telling you all that I’ve started taking pictures of myself in the mirror again.
After deleted over 500 pictures about two months ago, I put myself on a 30 day photo cleanse.
Well, the photo cleanse ended, and the picture obsession began, yet again. It is no surprise to me that this picture taking began again at the same time that I’ve been having trouble accepting my body.
Last week, I would take only a few pictures a day, and then delete them right away. I would take the picture, look at it, and then delete it immediately.
Now, I take the pictures, and save them until later, so I can look at them when I feel like it.
Every time I look at them, I critize every single part of me. Sometimes I tell myself, that maybe next time, I will like what I see.
No. This will never happen.
Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I keep doing the same thing over an over again with these pictures, expecting that I will like them, but I won’t.
I am living the definition of insanity with these pictures.
It’s not like I am looking at photos that someone else has taken of me; I am purposefully taking these pictures to judge myself.
I don’t even want to take these pictures, I just do it like I am on auto pilot.
It reminds me of when I used to weigh myself everyday. I didn’t want to do it, but Ed had so much control over me, I would wake up and do it anyway. It was a set routine.
Wake up, pee, weigh myself.
For the past two days, I have been in this auto pilot routine with taking these pictures.
My body is just taking these pictures without me even knowing what I am doing. Ed is being the controller, and I am being the puppet.
Get up, get dressed, take a picture.
So, two days of picture insanity later, and I am left with 32 new not deleted pictures currently sitting in my phone. I know I will be ready to delete them soon, when I am ready.
I think that it takes a strong person to know when they succeed, but it takes a wiser person to know when they fall or take steps backwards.
These pictures are a step backward for me, and I am not afraid to see it or admit to it.
It will not be the end of my recovery that I have started taking pictures again.
It will however, be a reminder of how hard it is to pick your feet up again after you’ve planted them two steps behind where they used to be.
But it is ok.
I am not scared to take steps back, because they will motivate me to take three steps forward tomorrow.