It all started today when I came home and put on a pair of stretch leggings, that last time I wore them, were falling off of me.
Today, they were tight.
From falling off of me only five months ago…to now being tight.
I was already not having the most loving relationship with my body after seeing myself in a bikini yesterday, and then these leggings just solidified everything I was already thinking and feeling.
I feel like I’ve traveled through this whole day silently screaming in my head.
I tried to get out of it-and I tried really hard too.
I tried distracting myself with spending time with my brothers-I tried watching a movie-I tried focusing on the amazing things in life such as my family and friends-but the screaming didn’t stop.
Part of the time, I was screaming with anger at my body.
Why does it look like this now? Why does recovery have to mean me having this body that I dislike so strongly? (I won’t use hate, because hate is a strong word, and I don’t think it is hatred, at least not right now).
Then sometimes I was screaming at myself.
Why did I go out all those nights and eat all those bad fattening foods? Why did I give myself the excuse “your living your life,” when I should have told myself, “you will just make yourself fat?”
Then the other part of me was screaming at Ed for making me scream at myself in the first place.
And after all this silent screaming has been going on all day within my own head, now, I don’t even know what I am screaming anymore.
It’s just noise.
So much noise.
I tried to imagine taking myself to a mountain somewhere and screaming in real life, and really letting it all out that way-but something within me doesn’t want to do that.
Something about my screams being silent today is holding a lot of power over me.
Even writing about it right now, feels like I am exposing some big dark secret that I’ve been holding to myself.
But now that I’ve exposed it, maybe it will calm down.
I don’t want to be stuck hearing my own screams and Ed screams at me all night; I want to enjoy my night.
I want to enjoy my weekend. I want to enjoy me.
I remember this feeling of silently screaming from when I was trapped inside Ed.
It used to happen to me at night, when my heart beat would speed up, and then slow down, and then speed up again, because I was so scared about what I was doing to my body by not eating and I didn’t know how to save myself.
It would always be in the middle of the night, and I used to stare off into the darkness crying and promising myself that the next morning I wouldn’t weigh myself; but it never worked.
I used to dread going to sleep because of it.
I felt like I was my own worst enemy.
The good thing is, this time, I know that those silent screams inside my head are nothing but Ed.
At least now, I know who I am fighting against.
Before I used to think I was fighting against myself. I used to think it was me who was my own worst enemy.
No, Ed is my enemy-I am the good one here-the one saving me from him.
We’re two different entities.
I will continue on with my night as I planned, because that’s what I need to do to stay in the real world-and not in Ed’s world.
Do I still feel like I am silently screaming? Yes and no.
The screams are there-but they are not technically silent anymore, now that I’ve shared them with you all, and there is a lot of power in that.
Even though today has been hard for me, and it’s been draining feeling trapped inside my head all day with Ed-I just realized as I titled this post-that today is day 199 of a year without a scale.
That means tomorrow is day 200.
Almost 200 days of being in recovery and of not weighing myself…and yet I am still fighting Ed.
On one end, it’s disappointing that I am still here fighting him after all this time.
But on the other end, it’s incredible, that I am still here, 200 days later, still fighting and giving it my all, instead of giving up.
Almost 200 days of not giving up on myself….I think it might possibly outweigh the silent screams I had to endure all day.