So today I finally did the one thing I have been trying to run away from all summer long.
Yes, I put on a bikini.
And actually wore it . Outside – to the pool, not just in front of my mirror.
How did I feel?
Chubby. Not fat, but very chubby.
All I saw was my old body in my mind and then I would look in the mirror and see my new body now and just be overwhelmed by the major changes.
I have all these curves and body mass that I never had before, and I can’t escape seeing it in a bikini.
But, the whole reason I even put on the bikini in the first place was because my three little brothers wanted me to go swimming with them.
They always ask me, and I always say no.
First off, I hate water. Don’t ask me why, but I do.
Secondly, I hate being in a bikini ; not because of what other people will think of me, but because of what I will think of myself.
Anyway, after standing in the mirror looking over every inch of me with Ed right by my side, I remembered the whole reason I put on that bathing suit in the first place .
I didn’t put it on for Ed to criticize me.
I didn’t put it on to punish myself, although to me, it would have felt appropriate to do so once I saw the way I looked.
I put it on to go and be a part of my brothers; to go swim with them; to go experience life with them .
They didn’t care or even notice which love handle was poking out the most, or which leg was rubbing against the other.
They cared that for the first time in two years, I was about to jump in the pool with them.
One of my brothers had the video camera to record us, and the other two counted to three with me .
And then we did it . I did it .
I jumped in the water.
And my brothers cheered and clapped the whole time .
I watched that video 20 times afterward trying to see how my body looked like . I even took a snapshot of it so i could zoom in on my body.
And then I finally gave up.
What I see today might be different than what I see tomorrow , and how my body looks today is not what was important.
It may feel very Important to Ed, and therefore i feel like I need to give it immediate attention, but in the bigger picture of life, it’s not that important.
What was Important was that I jumped in that pool, after two years of Ed not letting me .