Day 197: I Am That Butterfly

Hello everyone,

My plan today was to wake up early and go workout.

Well, I woke up-but I laid in bed and turned on my TV, and I really didn’t feel like moving. I felt so perfect and comfortable doing exactly that.

This is the first day in such a long time that I had no where to be, and I just wanted to relish in that moment.

But Ed hated that. Oh, he really really hated that.

He kept trying to tell me that I need to work out since last week I didn’t work out and didn’t eat very healthy.

After an hour of me consistently turning him down, I finally was able to leave that conversation he and I were having in my head.

For those new readers, (in the past day, the blog has gotten a few new followers), Ed is the name I have given to my eating disorder. I treat Ed as a separate person who is in my life. If he is going to be part of my life, I decided I would personify him.

Weird? Maybe. But it works.

So, with me being able to quiet Ed, I was able to cuddle in my bed with no one other than me and myself.

Just us. No Ed.

And I loved it.

I even brought myself breakfast and coffee in bed, something I never do-as eating anywhere but a table seems to be something I am uncomfortable with (not sure why), but I think it has to do with being mindful of the act of eating.

I spent the whole day with myself.

I relaxed, I watched a movie, I made myself lunch, and I tanned outside while listening to music.

Ed came back to say hi to me when I was getting dressed, and a few more picture were taken. I am not proud of it. But it ended faster than it did yesterday-and I deleted them right away, and  I am proud of that.

I am going to continue my day with me and myself, and leave Ed out of the picture.

I saw this photo today online, and it really symbolized my recovery to

I am the butterfly, and Ed is the rock.

Yup, that is  me dragging Ed up the stairs; not him dragging me.

Rocks are lifeless. They have no voice. They have no power.

The more my recovery progresses, the more Ed is becoming a rock; lifeless and powerless.

If I saw this picture at the beginning of my recovery, I would have seen it as that rock holding that butterfly down.

Not now-now that butterfly is moving that rock, all by herself.

I am that butterfly.

Here is to another day of the little butterfly within me who keeps proving to Ed time and time again, that she is stronger than she looks.

Hello life.


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