Apologies for a late post yet again.
This morning, before I went to see E, I woke up with Ed right beside me.
My body was feeling a little bit sore from whatever I ate yesterday, an indicator to me that I must have eaten too much, and so right away, Ed snuggled up next to me under my covers before I could even turn my bedroom light on.
I was five minutes late to my appointment with E because I got so consumed in taking pictures of myself in my mirror that I lost track of time.
One picture after the other.
One mean comment to myself after the other.
Actually, it was Ed making the mean comments to me. I was just the one pushing the camera button.
He was like the puppeteer and I was the puppet. He got me to turn on the camera, and I snapped the shot.
When I was taking those pictures, all I could about was that I am way over the weight I want to be at.
Of course, I don’t know what I weigh, hence a year without a scale-but when I was taking those pictures in the mirror, numbers were all I saw.
I could literally go through a camera roll in my head of how my body looked at each and every weight I ever was in my life, and I could tell you exactly what weight I am in each photo-depending on what my body would look like in each one.
So, can I know for sure my judgement of what weight my body looked like today is correct? No.
I could be wrong, I could be right-more gray to add to my life.
I’m not about to step on a scale and ruin everything that I worked so hard for in my recovery, and therefore, end this blog-so, guess I will just have to live with not knowing what I weigh.
I know the best way to get Ed to leave me alone on days like today, is to keep busy, stay productive, and stick to my meal plan.
I am so proud to say, that I did all those three things today; and not because someone told me to, but because I wanted to for me.
I worked out, (only for 45 minutes though, another big deal, considering the fact I wanted to stay longer), I got an oil change, a car wash, I took a shower, and I tutored two of my kids back to back.
The little girl who I tutor, is very special to me . She reminds me a lot of myself when I was young.
She’s so talkative, and sensitive, and she likes to be the boss and know absolutely everything about everything. Definitely a mini version of myself.
Anyway, when I walked in to see her today, she brought a necklace to the table.
It was a heart that was broken into two pieces, that said “best friends.”
She wanted to keep one half for herself, and she wanted me to have the other half.
It was such a selfless, pure, innocent and kind act.
It was the opposite of everything I was feeling earlier in the day with Ed.
Ed wanted me to focus all day on me and my body; he likes obstructing purity and replacing it with twisted deviance. He likes replacing kindness for myself for harsh judgements. He thrives off telling me how I am not enough.
This necklace said to me, “I am enough.”
To the girl I tutor, I am enough.
Not because of how I dress, or how much I weigh, or what I didn’t or did eat today-just because I am me.
It was like she broke the cycle of cruelty that Ed was working so hard to continue to push round and round in my head.
I love that necklace. It’s the best necklace I think I’ve ever gotten.
I put it on right away. I am still wearing it now.
Every time I see it, I am going to remember, how to this one 7-year-old girl, on a typical Monday night-I was enough.