“The difficult part in an argument is not to defend one’s opinion but rather to know it,” ~André Maurois.
In yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about an argument I had with someone close to me.
They spoke, I spoke, and hurt was caused on both sides.
I am not going to spend today writing about it, but I am going to write about what I learned.
I spent a lot of time yesterday defending my opinion about myself and my feelings, and about my character.
I defended it on this blog, and I defended it to my family and friends.
But then, I read this quote earlier today while browsing on my phone, and I realized, that that was probably my biggest loss yesterday.
It wasn’t a loss that I stood up for myself, because I am glad I did so, but it was a loss to argue and become emotionally drained trying to defend my feelings or who I am, when I already know myself, my feelings, and my opinions about who I am as a person.
I think this is the first time in my life where I am actually secure with who I am.
It’s the first time that I do not feel I need to seek approval from others, or from Ed.
I could have looked to Ed today to help me restrict and feel temporarily better, but I didn’t need to do that.
Ed couldn’t touch me today.
I feel that because I am so in touch with myself, my beliefs and my character, I don’t even need Ed to try to “make me better.”
I am happy with who I am. I am happy with my views of myself. I am happy with my own opinion of myself.
I see now, that that is truly what matters.
It is going to have to be OK with me that other people aren’t always going to be happy with who I am or what I am saying or what I am writing, even if it hard to hear.
I see now, I don’t need to defend my words or myself to anyone.
All I need to do is know myself and where I stand within me.
And I am not just referring to my argument yesterday.
I am referring to the many times in my life where I have fought to seek approval-from Ed, from friends, from teachers, from boss’s, and from family. And if I didn’t get that approval, I defended myself as to why I should get it, or I let Ed come in so I can get approval from him.
Both of those things no longer exist for me anymore.
I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need approval.
My heart is open to others…their views, and their truths.
But in the end, I have to know my truth the most.
I am content with who I am, and I know my opinion of myself, and that to me, is really what matters.
When I am secure with who I am, I don’t need Ed.
I don’t need a number anymore to tell me how good of a person I am.
I don’t need calorie counts anymore to tell me how disciplined I am.
And I don’t need to fight others about it either.
I only need my core beliefs about who I am-and those, I have worked long and hard to establish.
There is no need for me to harbor any negative energy within myself anymore.
I’m not angry with anyone, and I am not upset anymore.
I understand everyone has their own views, as they should.
I know me-no need to defend it.
The best part is, I am finally getting to know who I am, without a number on some scale attached to it…wow, who knew 6 months ago that would even be possible?