Today, my blog was used as a tool to pass judgement on my character and on who I am as a person.
I won’t say the person who is responsible for doing that, since they told me today that calling some people out publicly on my blog is not the right thing to do-so I will just say it is someone very close to me and deeply involved in my life.
According to this person, my blog was angry yesterday because I said “screw food and calories,” and therefore it was “vulgar.”
According to this person, the stronger I get from this eating disorder, the more angry I become…although they are not around me often, they have concluded this from reading my blog posts and from seeing me every few weeks. They said other people have told them this too, although I have no idea who those other people are.
I am the happiest I have been in my whole life and I now can finally express myself if I feel someone has wronged me-this is not being an angry person, this is me standing up for myself.
According to them, because I felt hurt this weekend by my sister, I am supposedly not a happy person.
Can’t happy people have bad days, where they are hurt or where they just feel like crying?
I am pretty sure they can.
Here’s the worst part, and the part that pains my heart and soul-not only did this person question the words of my blog that are supposed to be used for my truth only, they attacked my character.
“You think your eating disorder is all about you-you, you you-you don’t care about your family and friends who have watched you suffer for years,” is what they said.
This could not be further from the truth.
Since the very beginning of my recovery, I have written about how deeply my eating disorder interfered with my relationships with my loved ones, and how beautiful it is to me to see these relationships blossoming again.
I have written about setting a good example for my younger brothers, and eating with them, even if it makes Ed fight with me like crazy afterwards.
Two days ago, I wrote about how I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so much love in my life, and how I am so grateful that I am in a place in my recovery where I finally feel I deserve to receive that love.
To say that I think this eating disorder is all about me, when I have opened my heart to so many people, and when I go so out of my way to embrace other people in my life, such as going to family dinners and lunches that at times make me uncomfortable, is beyond hurtful.
And as for them saying my blog comes off angry, well, I’m sure it does sometimes.
I was angry with my nutritionist for not respecting my needs, and I have a right to be, and no one should believe that they have the right to tell me otherwise.
People get angry, good for me for sticking up for myself and not resorting to my eating disorder to sooth those feelings.
As them saying this blog was vulgarly written yesterday-it is my blog. First of all, I don’t think saying the word “screw” is vulgar, and secondly, this is my blog and it is my truth, and it really does not matter to me how others perceive my truth.
These are my words, my feelings, and my experiences only-all I can do is share them with who wants to read them.
“If your eating disorder is all about you, then I guess I have no reason to read your blog,” they said to me today.
Well, guess what, this blog is about me.
It’s about my journey and my path to discovering true self acceptance and true happiness-and if someone does not want to read about that, then please don’t.
My eating disorder is not all about me, but it is about my journey to finding true happiness and freedom-and if that means having some angry posts, or some sad posts, or some frustrated posts, then so be it.
Never did I think this blog would become a weapon for someone to use against me in my recovery.
Never did I think it would become something for people to judge me by-or to think they can make assumptions about my character by.
I express my feelings, my struggles, my pain, and my joy on this blog, and it is not supposed to be intended for someone else to judge those feelings or who I am as a person when I write them.
But that did happen today, and it is a sad day because of it.
The saddest part is to hear someone so close to me, tell me that this eating disorder is all about me, when I am one of the most selfless people I know-with family, with friends, and with recovery-nothing has ever been all about me, and I never planned on it to be.
But if you want to judge, go ahead.
I am staying true to myself, to my writing, to my blog, and to my recovery anyway…”hello life.”