After much time and careful consideration, I made the final choice today to let go of someone from my recovery team, my nutritionist, Karen.
When I first began seeing her a few months ago, she was an essential part of my recovery. She knew what my body needed, and she listened to my feelings and needs about food and my body.
Over the past few weeks, those needs were no longer being respected or heard.
The first time was after she told me I had gained one pound, even though I had told her the week before that I did not want to know anymore if I had lost or gained weight.
The second time was when she said it was OK for her that I tried to lose weight, even though I am in recovery for an eating disorder.
The third time was last week, when she told me that I “thought” my way into my body feeling sore after I ate too much.
There was a time in my recovery, where I did not know what I needed; I only knew that I needed to rely on the guidance of my recovery team and I had to put my physical and even emotional needs in their hands.
But, I can now say, that I have reached a place, where I know what I need now, physically, and most defiantly emotionally.
On an emotional level, I know that I cannot have someone on my team who questions my truth.
Whether that truth is that my body is feeling sore, or if that truth is me wanting to stay clear of hearing about me gaining or losing weight, it cannot and should not be questioned.
I already battle with Ed on a daily and sometimes even hourly basis on what my body looks like, and for someone to try to tell me that the feelings I am feeling within my body, such as the soreness, are not true, is not acceptable for me or for my recovery.
I did not just walk away from Karen, I explained to her in an e-mail why I will no longer be seeing her.
I know that for me, my eating disorder flourished when I felt undermined or not valued, because then, I would turn to it for praise and false hope that losing weight would make me feel valued again.
If I am going to learn to live in freedom from Ed, I need to begin to shut down the channels in which he swims and lives; and one of those is communicating to others when they have made me feel that my words are not valued.
By standing up for myself to Karen and speaking only my truth about what I perceived what happened (because her perception could be much different), it made Ed non-existent.
I stood up for myself and I felt good about it, and no kind of restricting can give me that kind of satisfaction.
However, this now means I will no longer be stepping on a scale at all.
I am not going to be seeking out another nutritionist, at least for now,because I don’t feel I need one at this point.
I know my meal plan, and I follow it well.
Why should I torture myself and stand on a scale every single week, just for someone else to look at that number and make me wonder what it is?
I know I am at a healthy weight, although I don’t know the number, I know it is healthy for me, and that is all that I need to know.
On one hand, I feel relieved to not be stepping on a scale anymore or to hear if I have lost or gained weight.
On the other hand, I am terrified.
At least with Karen, if I had a bad week and she told me I gained a pound, I knew about it.
The facts were clear and they were known.
I could have gained weight this week; actually, I 100% gained weight this week because I actually ate amazing food and desserts with family and friends.
By letting go of Karen, I am stepping back into the unknown.
I used to be much more scared of the unknown. I didn’t know how to live with it.
I had to know how many calories I ate every day, and how much I weighed, and how much food I ate.
During my recovery, I had to give up knowing my weight-but I held onto knowing if I gained or lost weight, and I held on to seeing how much food I ate by keeping a food journal.
Those are no longer going to be part of my recovery anymore.
It’s terrifying, but it is so freeing at the same time.
Screw these facts about food and weight and calories.
Screw the facts about losing a pound or gaining a pound every week.
I so hope that I can forget the facts and let go of the rigidity around those facts, and embrace living in this period of the unknown.
I don’t know how much weighed I gained this week-a true fact.
But I do know, that I experienced the most love I have ever experienced in my entire life this week-and that is also a true fact.
Maybe it’s time I focus on those kinds of facts instead of focusing on facts about food and weight.
I guess I am not really stepping into a whole new world of the unknown again, but rather, I am just deciding to step into a world of new facts.
I can still have my truths and my facts which are known and therefore safe to me, but they will just be different facts.
Gaining or losing weight is no longer a fact in my life.
Knowing that I have the most incredible family, friends, and support team fighting with me every step of the way during this journey, that is now a fact that will replace my old facts.
Screw the old facts about food and weight.
The best fact of all, is that I get to say to myself every single day that I live in recovery from this eating disorder, “hello life.”