Good morning everyone,
Wow. I feel that it’s crazy for me to even say this, but today officially marks 6 months since I have weighed myself on a scale, and 6 months that I have been in recovery for my eating disorder.
Part of me feels like I am half way through this year one journey of a year without a scale, which technically is true, but the other part of me feels like I have just begun this journey to a life of freedom of self acceptance.
Over the past 6 months, I have learned that this journey to recovery from my eating disorder is not just learning how to live free from Ed, but it’s re-learning who I am without a number on a scale determining that for me.
It’s re-learning who I am without defining myself through calories and numbers.
Over the past 6 months, I have had to re-meet myself, re-get to know myself, and re-learn how to accept and love myself; all things that I believe will be a continuous process far past this one year without a scale is over.
I have had to learn how to value the person I am internally, and not only see or accept those values on days that I feel my physical body is looking “good.”
I am valuable regardless of how my body looks; and that is a new truth that I truly do believe now.
It might not change the fact that I wish I looked skinnier sometimes, or it might not change the fact that Ed tries to tell me to lose weight sometimes-but it does change my perception of myself.
This past 6 months have been a battle between myself and Ed.
I look back and remember days when Ed wouldn’t even let me get out of bed, because my body was so sore from eating.
I look back and remember the pain I felt when I lost my Ed-created body to my new recovered body.
I look back and remember the fears I faced and the love I lost when I left my ex-boyfriend of three years because I finally realized that recovery and him don’t work in the same sentence.
I have fought with my own mind of what I think I look like, versus what Ed tells me I look like and versus what society or other people are telling me I look like.
It’s the ultimate game of reality vs. my own perception, and it’s a dark, ruthless game at that.
But I’ve learned it’s rules…I’ve learned it’s ways, and I’ve learned the way Ed cheats this game….and now, 6 months later, I feel I am the game controller.
Not everyday…not every second…but for the most part, I am the one controlling the board now.
If there is one thing I learned about re-getting to know myself in these past 6 months, it’s that I am truly the strongest person that I know.
When I make a decision, I don’t look back.
This black and white thinking has been one that I have been slowly turning into gray thinking during my recovery, because there is a lot of beauty in the grey that the black and white don’t show us.
But when it comes to determination, black and white works for me.
I watched a movie yesterday, where a step father in it asked the step son, what he would rate himself on a scale of 1-10.
The step son said a 6, the step father said a 3.
It made me question, what would I rate myself?
If you asked me this 6 months ago on a Friday I would have told you I am a 10 because I weighed a low number on a scale that day since I restricted all week.
If you asked me 6 months ago on a Monday, I would have told you I was a 1, because I binged the day before on Sunday (something I always did).
If you asked me 6 months ago on a Thursday, I would have told you I am a 10 because I restricted all week to fix my binge on Monday, and then two seconds later, I would change my mind and tell you I am a 1 because I am ashamed that I am letting an eating disorder take over my life.
If you ask me today, I will tell you I am a 10.
I am a 10 not because of how much I weigh-because I don’t know how much I weigh.
I am a 10 not because I am in recovery for an eating disorder.
I am a 10 not because my body looks a certain way in the mirror today.
I am a 10 because I am the strongest person I know.
I am a 10 because I persevere in the face of fear, challenges, and darkness.
I am a 10 because I made a year long commitment to be scale free for a year, and here I am, six months later, honoring that commitment, even though it’s been the hardest 6 months of my life.
When I gave E my scale, she asked me if there was something I wanted to say to it.
The only words that came to my mind, were “hello life,” and from there, this blog was born.
I am a 10, and I am living six months in recovery from my eating disorder-a six months that I worked and fought my ass off for.
Thank you to everyone, specifically my family, my best friend, E and my recovery team, for being my legs during these past six months on the many days that I felt I couldn’t hold myself up.
Hello to celebrating this major victory for me today and for reaching this six month milestone.
And hello, hello, hello life .