Day 180: Getting A Strong Sense Of Self

Good evening everyone,

Today was one of those days where I had two options: let Ed wake up and take over me, or use my voice and listen to myself.

The first time was at breakfast, when my sister made a comment to me about how she thought I was not eating enough.

This used to be a comment that my family made to me to a lot when I was locked in my eating disorder, and it was one that triggered me to no avail.

It used to make Ed mad that they would say that, and together, we were going to prove them wrong, and really not eat.

If they thought that was not eating…oh, we were going to show them real starvation.

It was like an encouragement to Ed.

But today, I didn’t let that happen.

I knew what I was eating, I knew that it fit every part of my breakfast on my meal plan, and I knew I was doing what was right for my recovery.

To say it didn’t bother me that my sister was acting like the food police, would be a lie-because it did. It bothered me a lot.

It didn’t bother me because she said it, because I know she said it meaning to come from a good place-but it bothered me because it felt like she didn’t trust me.

Tomorrow will mark 6 months that I am living in recovery from my eating disorder, isn’t it time that I am trusted to eat without people making remarks about it?

When I told her it bothered me, she didn’t understand, but that’s OK, because I can’t expect someone to understand the depth and complications of an eating disorder who hasn’t fallen victim to one themselves.

The second time that Ed could easily have been awakened today, was when an old friend, who knows about this blog and about my recovery, messaged me asking me if I wanted diet pills.

Diet pills? Really?

What is wrong with people?

Anyway, had this been even two months ago, I would have taken the fact that she was offering me diet pills as her telling me that I am fat and that I need to lose weight.

It could have easily erupted Ed out of quietness.

Thankfully, today I was in a strong enough place in my recovery to know that that girl was not saying I was fat or that I needed to lose weight.

Actually, I am not sure what she was saying-but I don’t care to sit and figure it out.

I replied to her and said “thanks for the thought, but I’m not interested in losing weight.”

It takes a strong sense of self to stand up to these moments that try to bring my recovery down.

It takes a strong sense of self to be strong enough in my recovery, enough though I am not comfortable in my own body, to actually believe myself that I am not interested in losing weight right now.

It takes a strong sense of self to know, that even at breakfast when my sister said I am not eating enough-to know that I was totally on my meal plan, and to remember I know how to live in recovery-without anyone on the sidelines judging me how I do it.

The more my recovery progresses, the stronger sense of self I am starting to have.

I might be figuring out who I am every second of every day, but one thing I know for sure, is that I can live in recovery from this eating disorder.

Tonight I am going to celebrate my 6 month milestone of being in recovery from my eating disorder and being scale free (the actual 6 month mark is tomorrow).

Ed will try to ruin this night for me-and why wouldn’t he?

I am celebrating life without him tonight-a victory for me, a loss for him.

I am getting stronger and Ed is getting weaker.

Cheers to Ed getting weaker and cheers to me enjoying this dinner tonight with my number one fans, my family.

Hello life.

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