I didn’t have time to write a post yet today because I have been in San Diego with my grandma, mom, and sister.
From the lunch we ate, to the frozen yogurt we ate, to the dinner we ate-none of these foods were “safe,” yet the point is, I did it.
When I say “I did it,” I don’t mean I ate-I mean that I participated in a social act of gathering, and sharing, and connecting with my family-and yes, it was around food, and that food didn’t stop me from being part that experience.
To me, that speaks volumes about how far I have come in my recovery.
It is uncomfortable and a little scary to be eating foods that are not safe for me, but I am doing it, and it feels OK.
It doesn’t feel great…but it feels OK.
Living life beyond the restrictions that this eating disorder once kept me bound by-that is great.
One day, it will feel great too, and that greatness will one day overpower the fear of what I or my life would be like without Ed.
I am in San Diego—with my family–laughing, eating, and living-and I am grateful for it.
Had I been here one year ago, I would have brought my scale with me.
I would have weighed myself tonight after dinner. I would have measured this whole trip in numbers; in weight and in calories.
Sure, doing it this way-the recovery way-is not as “known” and predictable, but it’s free, and I think that outweighs the scariness of the unknown.
Yup, I am going to enjoy this vacation-with or without Ed here.
If Ed is here, I will argue with him, time and time again, until my voice is the last one I hear.
If he’s not here…well, he’s never not here-but for the moments where he is quiet, I will be appreciative.
Hello to this San Diego vacation that won’t be measured in numbers on a scale, and hello life.