I happily sit here and say that today was a good day.
It wasn’t a good day because anything spectacular happened, or I got another new pair of shoes, it was a good day because I wasn’t consumed by food or by calories.
Since Tuesday, I decided to stop writing down all of the food that I eat in a food journal (something I used to have to do for my nutritionist).
She didn’t tell me to stop doing it, but I wanted to see what it would be like to get to break free from that rigidity of having to eat something, and then write it down directly after.
I remember going out with my friends this past Sunday, only to come home and see my food journal empty-waiting for me to write down the ongoing list of all the food I ate that day, and I really didn’t want to do it.
I already was feeling bad about the food I ate anyway, so why have it all written down on paper to stare me in the face haunting me whenever I feel like looking at it?
So, yesterday and today, I didn’t keep a food journal.
It feels amazing and so freeing.
I went on that date last night, and was able to enjoy my dinner, and not have to worry about writing it all down when I came home.
It feels a little uncomfortable, because by not seeing everything that I’ve eaten written down in front of me, it feels as if I am losing a little bit of control over my food; but it’s worth the liberation that it’s bringing me while doing it.
Eating these past two days and not having to write it down, makes me feel a little bit more “normal.”
By normal, I mean, someone who doesn’t suffer from an eating disorder.
On Monday I told my trainer Kim about how much I have grown to dislike writing down all my food, and she looked at me and said “Shira, I can’t imagine writing down everything I ate all day. It would drive me crazy too.”
So, it’s OK to feel that this food journal was driving me up the wall.
I really like this feeling of being “normal.”
And it also feels like food has not been such a main focus for me these past few days too.
At one time, this food journal was a necessity in my recovery, so my team could keep track of my progress as I was learning to re-nourish myself with food.
But it also served as a tool for Ed on the days where he would make me look at that list of food, and despise myself for letting myself eat it.
But now, I feel I am capable and ready to let it go.
It’s one less rigid, controlled thing in my life to break free from.
No more scale. No more 7 pages of food rules. No more body photos in the mirror.
And now, I can add no more food journal to that list of controlled things that I have let go during my recovery.
Goodbye food journal, and hello life.