Day 176: A New Pair Of Shoes

Hi everyone,

As I told you all yesterday, I drove to Pasadena today, a city about an hour away from my house, to see if I would be a match to give a bone marrow transplant to this woman named Nina, who will die within one month of cancer if she does not get a transplant.

After driving for an hour and getting lost multiple times, I decided to park my car and just walk to find this location.

After 30 minutes of walking, I found it, only to walk in and have the receptionist working there tell me that the website gave the wrong address for the donor drive, and that she has no idea where it was.

Ah…this would happen to me.

First of all, I thought about how sad it was that there might be people who want to help this woman, yet because of a mistake with an address, we were not able to reach her.

Secondly, I was annoyed.

I was hot from walking around in the heat, I was frustrated that they would give the wrong address, and I was upset that I wasn’t able to help this person now, something I was really looking forward to.

Had I still been locked in my eating disorder, I would have soothed this annoyance by not eating, and then, I would have felt better and more relaxed. I would have felt calm again, and in control of everything again.

But things were not in my control today. Simple as that.

The wrong address was not in my control, nor was the fact that there were so many people who might have wanted to help this woman but now couldn’t because of this address glitch.

So as I was driving back home, I decided that I would go shopping for a new pair of shoes.

I wasn’t having a good day, and I wanted to make myself feel better.

The first thing that came to my mind was shoes.

How amazing is that, right?

Skipping lunch or restricting didn’t even cross my mind as a way to make myself feel better or as a way to make this day better.

Instead, I wanted to do something nice for myself.

And by nice I didn’t mean “getting skinny,” I meant an act of self care, like shopping.

So, a new dress and a beautiful pair of new shoes later, I can say that today has turned into being not too bad.

Had this been six months ago, today would only have been considered good if I ate under a certain amount of calories.

Now, it’s considered good because I got a new pair of shoes.

Not to mention, I have a date tonight, and we are going to dinner…something really uncomfortable for me, and something that Ed would never let me do.

But, I am going anyway.

Six months ago, I would not be going.

Especially on a Tuesday….on a day during the week, where restricting used to be so important.

But here I am, going to dinner with a date on a Tuesday, and I am wearing my new shoes too.

Hello life.

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