This morning, I woke up sore-first time in a while.
I was not happy about it, especially since I had to go see my nutritionist this morning and have her weigh me (and I don’t see the number).
I always associate soreness with overeating, since that is the feeling I used to get after I used to binge.
Anyway, when I was on my way to my appointment, I saw a billboard that was talking about a woman who I read about in the LA Times on Saturday, who has cancer and has only one month to find a match for a bone marrow transplant, or else she will die.
It reminded me that I wanted to go to one of the donor drives this week, but I was so fixed on my body soreness, that I didn’t have time to truly take in what I just saw.
After I told Karen, my nutritionist, that I restricted the first part of the week, I thought she would say something like this week it is OK that I eat more.
Instead, she looked at my food journal and said, “Oh, it’s not too bad.”
What? Not too bad? Did I not just say that I restricted?
So now, even on the days that I was trying to be good at having an eating disorder, I failed.
For anyone who has an eating disorder, you know, that for perfectionists like us, to fail at something that you at time were so damn good at it, feels like the biggest disappointment in the world.
On top of that, she told me that she thinks I am “thinking” myself into having this body soreness.
I know what I feel, and I know many of you in recovery who read this blog know it too, as you all have told me in comments and emails that you have this soreness as well, yet no one can figure out what it is.
I left her office feeling terrible.
Number one, I was not even successful at having back my eating disorder on the days that I wanted to last week.
And number two, I felt totally disregarded after she said she really believes I am making this body soreness up.
But after I left the gym and was eating lunch with my sister, that billboard popped back into my mind.
I started talking to my sister about it, explaining to her how this woman has one month to live unless she finds a donor, and that I want to go see if I am a match.
I have realized that on the days that Ed is calling my name the most, the best way for me to get out of it, is to step outside myself and be of service to others.
Not only that, but it really put things in perspective for me.
This woman is dying.
She could possibly lose her life to something that she has absolutely no control over.
I on the other hand, have control over the life that I want to live at the moment.
I do have control if I want to give my life up to this eating disorder, or to this food journal.
I can fight for my freedom; she can’t.
I have never felt so thankful for my ability to be able to fight for a life for myself that is actually in my power and actually is attainable.
The nutritionist…Ed…the restricting that obviously wasn’t really restricting to my nutritionist…all of those are things I can learn to fight, and thank God for that.
I am lucky.
Tomorrow I will drive two hours to go find out if I am a match for this woman, because if she can’t fight for her life the way I can, then the least I can do is try to help fight for her.
I know people read this blog from all around the world, but there are drives going on right now internationally trying to help this woman, Nina, survive. I put the link here if you want to try to find a donor drive near you.
All I have to say , is that I am thankful today, that even though I am not in the greatest place with Ed, I have a life waiting for me–and it’s up to me to make it free of this eating disorder or not.
I can and will fight for the life of freedom I deserve.
This life is mine, and I will fight for it.