Last night, my twin sister came home after studying abroad in Barcelona for six weeks.
On the day that she left, I wrote a blog post about how I had never done recovery without her physically being here.
Out of these past six weeks, some were good, some were great,and some, like the past two, were terrible.
I told E yesterday , that I was worried my sister would tell me “Wow, you look so good,” when she saw me.
I know that to my sister, me gaining weight would mean that I looked good, so if she were to say that to me, even though she would mean it totally innocently, I would perceive it that I had gained weight.
I was scared it would send me back to wanting to restrict, or maybe even to binge.
When a friend of hers and I picked her up at the airport, we surprised her with gifts, her favorite foods, and a big cookie cake that said welcome home.
Before, when I was living in my eating disorder, I never would have bought my sister a cookie cake, in fear that I would want to eat it, and then it would throw off all my restricting for that day…the selfishness that an eating disorder can bring out within us.
But yesterday, I did get her that cake, because it is her favorite, and also, because, I actually wanted to eat it with her.
I like cookies. Who doesn’t?
And Ed was not about to ruin this night for me and tell me not to get it for her.
Before we even left the baggage claim at the airport, she opened the box with the cookie, and took a huge chunk of it.
She took one bite for her, and then left one bite for me.
It was such an act of kindness and an act of sharing, and the moment I took that bite of the cookie with her, it was like Ed had chains over his mouth.
He had no room to speak.
Later that night at sushi, my sister looked at me, kissed my cheek at least ten times, and then she said, “You look so beautiful.”
She didn’t say I looked skinny.
She didn’t say I looked fat.
She said beautiful.
Maybe I am the only one who judges my beauty based on my body.
Because my sister certainly didn’t last night.
I was a little bit jealous that she came back looking like she lost weight, and that everyone was telling her how skinny she looked, because deep down, I miss people telling me I look skinny too.
But instead of her telling me I looked skinny last night, she told me that I look beautiful instead, and I think I can learn to accept that.
Today, we had lunch together. We shared an ice cream sundae together. We got our nails done together.
Was it comfortable to eat out ? No. Did I try to eat the safest foods I could find? Yes.
But, I still went out with her, and that is a big win in my eyes.
That right there-that is beautiful.
Not letting a number on a scale dictate how sick I will make myself today with laxatives or with exercise, or what I will or will not eat today, is beautiful.
I don’t even know what my sister saw in me last night that made her say I looked beautiful, because when I see myself, I see my body only (something that is not so beautiful to me at the moment).
But if I can’t see the beauty in myself yet, I am so thankful that she can, because it reminds me that it is there-and it is very present, whether I see it or not.
I don’t know how to end this post today, other than by saying how lucky I feel to have someone in my life who sees beauty in me that I can’t even see in myself yet.
Hello to sharing a cookie cake in the middle of the airport with my sister, and hello life.