Happy Friday everyone,
Today marks two years that my grandfather, someone who’ve I’ve written about many times on this blog, passed away.
Regardless of the fact that today is significant because it celebrates the legacy and life of the man who shaped me to be who I am today, it is also significant because it gave me a chance to reflect back on where I was a year ago today.
One year ago today, I was in Seattle with my grandma, cousin,and sister, for a girl’s trip. It was the very first anniversary of my grandpa’s passing.
I told myself I wouldn’t weigh myself that entire trip, yet on that day, I did.
I still remember the exact number that it was-both with and without shoes on.
I remember going shopping that day with my family and thinking how terrible everything looked on me because of my “high” weight that day.
I remember getting these cupcakes from a special store in Seattle that is known for their cupcakes, and afterwards, my grandma, cousin, and sister wanting to eat lunch.
How could they possibly want to eat lunch when we have cupcakes to eat too? I was so angry at them.
They each got lunch, except for me,and I remember it specifically because my cousin got these chicken tenders from Johnny Rockets, and I was mad that she wanted to go there.
I said it would take way too long and we didn’t have time.
But really, it was because I love chicken tenders. I wanted them too, but Ed wouldn’t let me have it, and by her eating it in front of me, Ed was tormenting me.
I was so trapped within my eating disorder on that day, and actually on that entire trip, and yet, I didn’t even know it.
I thought that was how my life was supposed to be.
10 individual prunes every morning at breakfast, that I had pre-packed and brought with me from home-that is how I started each day on that vacation.
And even that, was humiliating for me.
That trip was one of the very first times that Ed was exposed.
Everyone saw him. Everyone but me.
I still thought him and I could live in harmony forever, with our numbers, calories, and anger at the rest of the world who didn’t understand the importance of it all.
One year later, and I can truly see how far I’ve come in my recovery.
The fact that I am no longer trapped inside my eating disorder every second of every day, stands alone all by itself as a marker for how far I’ve come.
I might have moments, or maybe days where Ed takes over me, but I always pull myself out.
The fact that I got my own lunch today with my grandma, shows how far I have come.
The fact that I smile now, and understand that people love me, not because of how skinny I am-but because I am a genuinely good person, shows how far I have come.
When my grandpa first passed away, my mom went to see a medium.
The medium told her that my grandpa was very connected to her daughter that writes (me), and that he wants to tell me that I should write from my heart.
This was two years ago that he said that-way before I was even aware that I was living in an eating disorder.
And now, 167 blog posts and 172 days of recovery later, I see what my grandfather meant.
If this blog isn’t writing from the heart, then I don’t know what is.
It reinforces the truth that I learned not long ago in my recovery, and that is, that I am on this journey for a reason.
And lastly, the last thing my grandfather told me before he passed away, was that he was proud of me, and that he wished I would slow down a little and enjoy my life.
I didn’t think of this conversation until a few days ago.
Isn’t that what this journey of recovery is all about? Learning to enjoy my life?
I am in the process papa, I am in the process.
One day at a time.
One thing is for sure, and that is, that I have come a long way since that day a year ago, starving myself because of a number I didn’t like on the scale.
There was no number today.
There was only my grandma, my mom, myself, and my grandpa’s spirit.
Today is a big reminder to me about the message my grandpa left me with: to enjoy my life.
One year ago today, I would have told you that enjoying my life meant seeing some low number on a scale.
Today, enjoying my life means savoring every moment that I am living outside of my eating disorder and truly getting to experience being free. It means learning to love myself. It means gratitude for my family and friends.
I have come a long way, and I am ready to continue.
There are so many things to say hello to today.
Hello to embracing the messages my grandpa left me.
Hello to writing from the heart.
Hello to enjoying my life.
Hello to recognizing how far I have come in only one year.
Hello to growth.
Hello to freedom.
And hello life.