Day 170: A Little Bit Better

Hi everyone,

My apologies for such a late post. Today was very busy for me.

So, update on where I stand:

Today was a little bit better than the past few days have been, and it’s only because E made me  realize one thing:

That if I want to write that girl’s story who  I interviewed yesterday and give her a chance to have a voice, and if I want to do it well, I need to be focused and coherent.

I know from years of experience, that when I am starving my body, it is physically impossible for me to be focused and its impossible for my cognitive thinking to be on point.

I would like to say that I ate today because I feel I deserved to nourish my body, but I don’t feel that way right now. I did it only so I could be the best writer that I could be.

I ate a lot today actually. Well for me, it was a lot.

My only consultation right now, other than the fact that I was able to focus and transcribe my entire hour and  a half interview with that girl yesterday, which took three hours to do, is that I exercised twice today.

I exercised once in the morning with my trainer Kim, and once at night for a long uphill hike.

Is over-exercising my answer to not restricting food? No. I know that.

But for now, it’s helping me slowly move back into a better place with food.

All in all, today was a little bit better, and I am deeply grateful for that.

I needed a better day today.

I do feel that I am slowly moving myself out of Ed’s world and back into mine, which almost gives me a sense of relief, but a sense of fear at the same time, since it’s always scary to leave Ed again once I’ve let him comfort me.

But, I trust my treatment team.

I trust my family and friends.

And most importantly, I trust myself, that I won’t let myself down.

Hello to today being a little bit better, and hello life.

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